Beam Me Down, Scotty

This week's random co-ordinates chosen by the computer are:

71 22' N 133 0' E

FIRST REACTION

I'm getting sick of this.

COUNTRY & REGION

You have come down inside the Arctic Circle in north-eastern Siberia, Russia. That's right, one of the remotest places on earth.

NATURE OF THE TERRAIN

Mountainous. This is the edge of the Verkhoyansk Mountain Range, which runs from the eastern Siberian Uplands north to the coast, passing through the city of the same name - one of the coldest places on earth.

ALTITUDE

100 metres

NEAREST SETTLEMENT

The tiny village settlement of Dzhamm is situated just east of the great Lena River's delta which divides central from eastern Siberia.

POSSIBLE HAZARDS

Unwittingly stumbling over the frozen corpses of exiled members of the former Soviet Union. A nasty forerunner to your own certain death unless you've bought some serious thermals.

USEFUL LANGUAGES

Modern literary Russian is based on the central dialect, spoken in and around Moscow. Up here, thousands of miles from the capital, you'll be grateful if anybody speaks anything at all.

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER

To judge by recent events, Boris Yeltsin would still appear to be in charge.

LIKELY WEATHER CONDITIONS

Bloody freezing. You are near to the "cold pole" of Siberia, 450km north of Verkhoyansk, the city which, according to the 'Guinness Book of Records', boasts the greatest recorded temperature range from -65C to 37C.

REASONS FOR HANGING AROUND

Reindeer and lichens and little else.

GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE

In theory it is a 120km slippery trudge south-east to the mining settlement of Kazachye, which has a modest airport. Don't expect flights though.

Sarah Barrell