TRAVEL: BEAM ME DOWN, SCOTTY

This week's random co-ordinates chosen by the computer are:

23 14' S 115 51' E

FIRST REACTION

Struth! Tie me kangaroo down sport.

COUNTRY & REGION

Welcome to Western Australia. You have landed on the edges of the mineral rich region of Pilbara (meaning "freshwater fish"), a favoured hopping ground of Australia's great red kangaroo.

NATURE OF THE TERRAIN

You're not far from the cyclone-battered coastline of the wild north- west. The outlook is a dry, red, barren wilderness.

ALTITUDE

Between 200 and 500 metres.

NEAREST SETTLEMENT

Carnarvon, with a population of around 9,000, is a bustling metropolis by WA's standards, situated on the coast about 220km south-west.

POSSIBLE HAZARDS

Apart from getting bitten by a desert death adder or one of the country's many pernicious spiders, it's probable that without provisions you'll die of exposure within 48 hours - unless you bump into a kindly aborigine who wants to share his witchetty grubs with you.

USEFUL LANGUAGES

In terms of indigenous language, aboriginal kriol is your best bet - a mix of the multitudinous aboriginal language groups, spiked with many English words. With regard to Australian English, shorten any word with more than two syllables (and use as many expletives as possible).

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER

Since 1996, avowed monarchist Prime Minister John Howard.

LIKELY WEATHER CONDITIONS

Hot enough to boil a billabong - average daily temperatures well above 30c, with practically no chance of precipitation.

GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE

Make for north-west coastal highway some 240km west. From there it's a mere 1,000km south to Perth.