Yes, it’s a deal that makes us poorer and hands power to sociopaths, but if we can’t trust Boris, who can we trust?

This is only the start, we can and must build on this now we’re free to shrink our economy by however much we choose, without having to consult the Germans first

This new deal with the EU raises many issues, but here’s one that some people have overlooked. If Boris Johnson’s ex-wife wants to finally get proper maintenance for their kids, she should become a DUP MP, she’d be given a billion quid by Tuesday.

It makes sense at the next election for us all to vote DUP. Then in areas such as Epsom, the mayor could announce “this year, instead of a parade led by the Women’s Institute, we’re going to hold an Orange march through the kitchen of Mr O’Reilly who we think is Catholic”, and they’d receive £50m every time they threatened to vote against the government.

These are the tactics we must hope secure approval for Boris Johnson’s deal. It’s so important it’s passed, that you can understand him saying, “Right, here’s the deal, there’s no point in dragging things out by looking at it, there are quite a lot of numbers in there and they always hold things up.”

So we shouldn’t get bogged down in the details of the deal, such as what’s in it. The main thing is it’s been approved by Boris Johnson, and if you can’t trust the word of Boris Johnson, who CAN you trust?

This must be how he’s won round Conservatives who have, in the past, been slightly sceptical about the EU. For example Jacob Rees-Mogg said of Theresa May’s deal, it made us a “vassal state”, like Britain under the Roman occupation.

So presumably this deal has removed the clauses about how we have to provide galley slaves for the Spanish, and look after Angela Merkel’s chickens on a Sunday.

Others such as David Davis made declarations like, “This deal literally sells all of us off to an Albanian trafficking gang,” but they’re really excited about this one because while it’s basically identical, there may or may not be a clause in it about fish.

Luckily there have been studies made on the likely impact of what is believed to be in the deal, with the economic group UK in a Changing Europe estimating our public finances will shrink by between £16bn and £49bn a year compared to what it would’ve been.

Some people object these studies are inaccurate, which is why it makes more sense to listen to alternative studies, such as the one from Gary who works in IT, and recently announced his findings that “That’s bollocks that is, my granddad never trusted the f***ing French and he was f***ing right.”

The Office for Budget Responsibility estimates each household is already £1,500 worse off as a result of Brexit, so the prime minister can reassure us his deal is excellent news, because it will give us as much as 30 per cent of what we already had.

It’s a similar rate of success as someone informing you, “I’ve spent the last three years searching online to change your gas supplier, and I can finally reveal I’ve found one who will charge only £1,500 a year more than the one you had before.”

But this is only the start, we can and must build on this now we’re free to shrink by whatever amount we choose, without having to consult the Germans first.

Not only that but this deal assures us we’ll be rid of the wretched Freedom of Movement. And I for one am SICK of being FREE to move where I WANT. If my kids want to work or study in Spain, I want them to be told “NO. You STAY where you ARE. If anyone wants to go anywhere different they can go to the Co-op.”

And crucially, the tricky issue of Ireland has been resolved. Through vigour we have secured agreements from the EU they were never willing to consider before. For example, Boris Johnson said no prime minister could ever sign up to a border in the Irish Sea, but now through determined negotiating, he’s got them to agree to a border in the Irish Sea.

Hopefully he’ll be as vigorous with Donald Trump, and insist so strongly that he will never sell off bits of the NHS to US companies, that Trump ends up agreeing to buying all the NHS for US companies.

But most importantly, this deal represents a return to our beloved democracy, in which we’re free to make our own laws, in line with our glorious parliament. Instead of sneaky dealings behind closed doors, we can go back to making decisions by giving hundreds of millions of pounds to Presbyterians so they vote the way we want.

To be fair, no one can accuse the DUP of not meeting the people, because this week, before being invited into Downing Street to discuss Johnson’s deal, they had meetings with the paramilitary Ulster Defence Association to see what they thought.

Maybe this is why Conservatives attack Jeremy Corbyn for “meeting Sinn Fein leaders in the 1980s”; they think he should still be meeting the IRA now, and to no longer consult them is a bit rude.

Perhaps if the deal goes through, we’ll see a new spirit of cooperation between the government and loyalist gunmen, and the Ulster Defence Association will pop into Downing Street directly, with Johnson saying, “would you er, ipso facto as it were, care for an Earl Grey, Mr Mad Dog?”

And he replies, “I find it difficult to drink tea through a balaclava, so I do”.

So the main thing is not to spend any more time pontificating how we make the country into a poorer and more doolally tinpot outfit, with a handful of sociopaths creaming off everything they can grab with no regulations whatsoever. What the whole country wants now is just to GET IT DONE.