It’s like finding an unexploded bomb in your kitchen, so the army say they’ll get someone to diffuse it, and send round Paul Gascoigne and a kangaroo.
Liam Fox has proved his ability to behave delicately in international affairs, having to resign as Defence Secretary because he was sneaking a friend in to Government meetings without clearance. So along with him and Johnson, it will soon be revealed the rest of the negotiating team is Jeffrey Archer, Vinnie Jones and a couple of blokes who went down for the Hatton Garden heist.
The strategy for the opening session on car imports will be held in a warehouse in Peckham, where they’ll discuss how Foxy and Davey boy Davis keep Merkel distracted with some flannel about tariffs, while Big Nobby’s boys drill through the wall and kidnap the King of Belgium.
This may explain why Liam Fox is so confident, saying on Thursday the Brexit agreement should be “the easiest deal in human history”.
This shows the team are working as a unit, because David Davis said leaving the EU would be harder than working for Nasa, by which he presumably meant that working for Nasa is ridiculously easy, as rockets mostly sort themselves out these days.
Liam Fox went on to explain the only difficulties in the talks arose when “politics gets in the way”. And you can see his point, because it’s a disgrace how some people allow the basic everyday matter of leaving the EU to become political, especially as anti-EU campaigners went out of their way to never mention any political issues in the referendum, refusing to ever refer to our great nation being under threat or immigration being out of control or needing to get our country back. They just produced a series of spreadsheets showing that if we left we’d increase the sales of British ironing boards and never said anything political once ever.
Strangely The Times reported: “No breakthrough has been made in three days of Brexit talks. Last night there was frustration at a lack of progress,” which could be slightly disappointing when it’s the easiest deal in human history.
Other deals, that must be harder than the easiest deal in human history, such as how much to pay for a bunch of bananas at a market in Leicester, have usually edged towards some sort of agreement within three days.
Even so there’s no need for concern because Liam Fox also explained “Britain can survive without a trade deal”. I’m sure we can, but if we’re to be picky, that appears to be setting the bar fairly low for what’s considered a success. During the referendum, the Leave campaign appeared to suggest we might do marginally better than not all die.
It’s possible there was a broadcast in which they told us “Vote Leave, because Brexit will not lead to the entire nation disappearing, we will find a way of surviving. Maybe Africa will hold concerts for us or something, but one way or another a few will carry on and rebuild the country by recalling Neolithic farming methods and husbanding goats, so Brussels can piss off. Vote Leave.”
We face an exciting future, said Liam Fox, because we must “find new ways of getting the global economy moving”. One method we could use is to open up the Brexit negotiations so everyone is allowed in without clearance.
Every meeting will be like an episode of Dragon’s Den, so hopeful entrepreneurs can intervene in discussions by saying, “Excuse me Mister Juncker, that’s all very interesting about beetroot exports, but I’d like to draw your attention to our wonderful new product, it’s a shirt that can also be used as a lampshade.”
The Dutch might not go for it, but President Macron will study it closely and say “I’m in”, and within a few days the Liam Fox method of holding government meetings will have got the global economy moving. In the end it will be disappointing that the whole Brexit talks are over in a couple of weeks, when it turns out to be the easiest deal in human history.
Because the most important message coming from the Government is that everything’s going fine, and they still insist we’ll get a better deal from the EU once we’re no longer a member.
That’s probably how it will work out, because most institutions operate on the basis that you get a much better deal when you’re not a member. Anyone who goes to a gym knows if they ask whether you’re a member, just say “no” and they’ll say “in that case you must come inside and use all our facilities, and then enjoy a free massage and take whatever you want from the bar”. Then if someone shows a membership card, they’re told: “Get our or we’ll call security. OUT – NOW.”
The most marvellous part of all is that the referendum was only called in the first place to calm down divisions in the Conservative Party, so luckily it seems to have managed that. No longer do they scream at each other about leaving or staying, now it’s about soft Brexit or hard Brexit, then it will be whether we should leave Europe’s geological structure and form our own tectonic plates, and Liam Fox will assure this would be the easiest afternoon of drilling through the Earth’s core in human history.
Join our commenting forum
Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies