I'm sorry, it's over – a break up letter from the UK to the EU on Valentine's Day

I know the rent on the house is high but I’m sure that if you make a few savings you’ll be able to afford it without me. And incidentally, talking about the house, I’d like to keep using the cycling machine, if you don’t mind 

Anand Menon
Tuesday 14 February 2017 11:35
Comments
The Brexit Bill passed through the House of Commons
The Brexit Bill passed through the House of Commons

We’ve been together for more than forty years. But we both know it was never true love. And we've grown farther apart, not closer, as the years went on.

You know why I couldn’t carry on. You complain about my job – long hours, low wages and the rest of it – but you're happy to spend my hard-earned money. And you were forever inviting your friends and relatives round to stay without telling, let alone asking, me. I don't have anything against them – really I don't, I'm not prejudiced, not at all, never have been – but there's only so many bedrooms and sofas. But you won't let me tell them it's time to leave.

I know you don’t agree with my decision to break up, and I know I might have made you angry, but I want you to know that I still care about you and I hope we can continue to be friends. In many ways, I think we make a great team, and I’d like to think we can continue to do some of the things we used to do together – we've just got to put things on a more practical basis.

That being said, I also thought I should mention the things we need to sort out. “Tying up the loose ends,” I suppose.

I’ve opened myself a new bank account. And don’t even think about asking me to pay half of that loan back – I never wanted the flat screen TV in the first place. Or the cycling machine. And of course I can’t keep giving a contribution to your dad’s nursing home. Bloody extortionate place.

I know the rent on the house is high but I’m sure that if you make a few savings you’ll be able to afford it without me. And incidentally, talking about the house, I’d like to keep using the cycling machine, if you don’t mind. And, now I come to think of it, I can’t afford Sky anymore, so can I come to yours when the footy’s on? I’ve still got the key so you don’t need to be there. And I did help pay for it after all.

SNP MPs sing Ode To Joy during Brexit Bill vote

Oh, and I know that big Don over the road keeps calling you nasty things on Twitter. But I’ve seen quite a lot of him since we split, and he’s actually a really nice guy, and I’m sure he doesn’t mean half the things he says, so don’t worry about it.

I do hope we can continue to be friends. It would be nice to have the odd drink now and then. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be around all the time to help you out, mind. I can’t keep bailing you out when you run out of cash before payday. And you may need to call the council about the neighbours as you can’t expect me to help deal with that any more.

In the fullness of time, when you’ve got over this, I’m sure things will be fine. Let’s face it, hand on heart, you always cared for me more than I did for you, so you’d be silly to cut off your nose to spite your face and stop seeing me, wouldn’t you?

Anand Menon is the director of The UK in a Changing Europe and Professor of European Politics and Foreign Affairs at Kings College London

Register for free to continue reading

Registration is a free and easy way to support our truly independent journalism

By registering, you will also enjoy limited access to Premium articles, exclusive newsletters, commenting, and virtual events with our leading journalists

Please enter a valid email
Please enter a valid email
Must be at least 6 characters, include an upper and lower case character and a number
Must be at least 6 characters, include an upper and lower case character and a number
Must be at least 6 characters, include an upper and lower case character and a number
Please enter your first name
Special characters aren’t allowed
Please enter a name between 1 and 40 characters
Please enter your last name
Special characters aren’t allowed
Please enter a name between 1 and 40 characters
You must be over 18 years old to register
You must be over 18 years old to register
Opt-out-policy
You can opt-out at any time by signing in to your account to manage your preferences. Each email has a link to unsubscribe.

Already have an account? sign in

By clicking ‘Register’ you confirm that your data has been entered correctly and you have read and agree to our Terms of use, Cookie policy and Privacy notice.

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy policy and Terms of service apply.

Join our new commenting forum

Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies

Comments

Thank you for registering

Please refresh the page or navigate to another page on the site to be automatically logged in