I'd like to say sorry for this being another piece about apologies. But I can't

During the countryside march I took advantage of my village being empty to go on a burgling spree

There's something in the air. Suddenly everyone's apologising for everything. Well, not quite everyone but most people.

There's something in the air. Suddenly everyone's apologising for everything. Well, not quite everyone but most people.

David Beckham claimed that people didn't rate him as intelligent enough to commit a foul on purpose to clear his yellow card status. Sadly, he wasn't bright enough to keep quiet about it and so now, having had to apologise, looks rather stupid anyway. Even Posh sounded vaguely apologetic about the fact that, not only had she not written her autobiography but that she hadn't even read it. Only Blair ponces around hinting that he could apologise or that he wouldn't mind apologising but never actually does so.

Contrition is the new brown. In light of this I thought that I might take this opportunity to apologise for a few things myself. Not being a Catholic I don't have the benefit of an anonymous confession in which to offload my sins, so I might as well do it here.

I'd first like to apologise to the spotty youth at Whiteley's cinema for having to endure being called a "tosser" by my four-year-old daughter when she heard that we had arrived one day too early to see A Shark's Tale. In her defence I can only say that he did look like a bit of a tosser and she learnt the word from me but I wasn't up for a fight.

Second, I'd like to say sorry to my mum for secretly filming her on her doorstep while I was disguised as a man of 77 pretending to be canvassing for the UK Independence Party. I would like to apologise but I won't since I had to cut the conversation short when it became apparent that she was not averse to some of their policies.

I am also feeling slightly apologetic about reassuring my daughter over the urban myth that public swimming pools have a purple dye that appears round you if you pee in the water. I should apologise to her because it is clearly not an urban myth and, although we managed to get out of the place unscathed they still have my shoes and I want them back.

I also think it might be apt to apologise to my milkman. I was not to know that my wife had started ordering a delivery while I was off "filming" in Las Vegas.

It came as something of a shock to me when, as I was pottering about the flowerbeds early one morning doing my usual nude gardening routine, I heard a noise from the main gate. I'm afraid that I rather acted on instinct and the rake was leaning against the wall just near by. In retrospect I should have asked questions first or even noticed the milk float, but the old red mist came down and I was temporarily out of control. I have tried to visit him in hospital but his wife wouldn't even let me see him.

While we're really clearing the decks I suppose I had better apologise for writing "Greg Dyke is bent" on a motorway bridge over the M1. I was really drunk after a wrap party and, having got a bit lost on my Vespa, decided to daub the offending slogan because I'd just read yet another of his interminable "matey" emails that he used to bore people with at the Beeb.

Not a great excuse really, but there you are. I wasn't responsible for "M Khan is bent" - that was someone else, I promise.

One last thing and this is a bit tricky. but better get it over with. At the time of that last big Countryside Alliance march in London I didn't join the hordes of Barboured protesters up in the big smoke. I took the opportunity of my village being completely empty to go on a bit of a burgling spree.

I didn't get much, just a couple of DVD players, a small dog and a 12-piece china teaset. If anyone wants their stuff back then come and get it, but I'm afraid the dog's had its chips. Not my fault. We were off baiting badgers and he really pissed one off and got a good kicking which he sadly didn't survive.

Right, I think that's pretty much everything. I'm aware that I could apologise for all these things and that I really should apologise for them. As it is, I'm not actually going to apologise for them, but the sentiment is there so that's the main thing.