I saw three pirate CDs come sailing in...

'Now, at last, a completely undetectable CD silo, which squirrels pirate CDs away underground'

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I shall be bringing you regular news of our wonderful Christmas gift bazaar, in which we will be offering you exclusive presents that you cannot get anywhere else, for that is what "exclusive" means.

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I shall be bringing you regular news of our wonderful Christmas gift bazaar, in which we will be offering you exclusive presents that you cannot get anywhere else, for that is what "exclusive" means.

Today I bring you the first look at this cornucopia of wonderful Christmas present ideas! They will fill you full of wonder, for that is what "wonderful" means. Remember, the earlier you order, the more likely you are to get your gifts home and wrapped before the festive season starts! Thus giving us a tidy profit, which is, of course, what Christmas means...

Electric shaving-brush Exclusive to this Christmas bazaar and a world first! Simply apply cream and water, switch on and run over face - it gives you a full lather in 10 seconds! Also suitable for use in circus by clowns, practical jokes, etc. £39.99.

Pirate CD tower You can stack your CD collection on open towers in your sitting-room - but what if they are all pirate CDs, illicitly recorded or downloaded? Now, at last, comes this underground, completely undetectable CD silo, which squirrels away unlawful CDs as efficiently as Dr No's underground headquarters. Press a button, and they come up into the light of day from 20 feet underground. Press another button - or yell, "Electronic police!" - and down they go again. From £2,500. Confidential installation.

Record flood height-marker As the nightmare of the ad2000 floods recedes, those who suffered from incursions of brown river-water will regret the fact that they didn't put up a plaque to mark the event. But it's not too late - you can now give them this wonderful blue-plaque-style flood commemoration! Wording on plaque says simply: "ad2000 Flood Level".

Giant packet of joke labels If you have a friend with a mischievous sense of humour, this is the ideal wheeze to give him! A treasure house of absolutely genuine-looking labels, any one of which can turn an innocent package into a ticking time bomb of terror. Whole range of labels from "Batteries not included" through "Highly inflammable" to "May contain dangerous radioactive materials" and "Highly confidential - please return to Jack Straw", which he can plaster on unsuspecting possessions. £60 for 100 labels.

Bottle bank for the bedroom Many people (especially women) use most of their bottles in the bedroom, because they contain beauty products, creams and unguents. Many people (almost always men) like to have a bottle of a favourite nightcap hanging around the bedstead. Some people like to retire to bed with a bottle of some fashionable drug or other. But always the problem is how to dispose of those boudoir bottles safely and discreetly. That problem is now over with this industrial-style bottle bank, in five different tasteful shades, from burnt siesta to midnight mauve. Stands only one metre high. £125.99.

Genuine leather mobile phone holder holder We have all accrued lots of mobile phones, and with them we have accrued lots of mobile-phone-holders, bought at country fairs, given by doting in-laws or simply nicked from the office. But how to store all those mobile-phone-holders? Your problems are all solved with this attractively styled mobile-phone-holder-holder, which comes in three styles - hang-on-the-wall, pack-in-the-car or stash-under-your-coat-like-a-gun-holster. They are all made in Laos by Third World collectives paid the sort of pittance that enables us to peg the retail price to only £36.99.

Oxford Book of Film Quotes "Jean-Luc Godard could empty a cinema quicker than even Ingmar Bergman, but he gave other directors more ideas than anyone..." Somebody said that on Radio 4 the other day. Do you wish it had been you? It could have been, if someone gave you the "Oxford Book of Film Quotes" (£29.99).

Clip-on ashtray for London taxi Do you ever get fed up with those sanctimonious signs in London taxis saying: "Thank you for not smoking"? For those who want to get their own back, here is the perfect wheeze: an ashtray that sticks (with Velcro) to a London taxi door and comes with five pre-smoked butts.

More gifts from our Christmas bazaar coming soon...