Miles Kington: Moored in Malta with the wise and witty Oldies

Richard Ingrams has the haunted expression of a man who is not used to watching haute couture comedies with 10 film critics in a small cupboard

Continuing my account of life aboard the Minerva 2, on a Swan Hellenic cruise, in October, in the year of our Lord 2006.

Last Friday I told you a bit about how I had been trapped aboard a cruise liner with fellow Oldie writers such as Mavis Nicholson, Rosie Boycott and Richard Ingrams, and I find from reference to my journal that I spent part of every day at sea gazing at the horizon in search of land, where I might possibly escape to find normal people.

"Every morning the captain of the ship, who is 40 years younger than almost all the passengers, strolls around the upper decks so we can ask him questions or ask for his autograph or just mother him.

"This morning I asked if he were not worried with such veteran passengers that one of them might fall overboard.

"He said he had never known an elderly passenger go overboard. It only happened with younger people. When he had taken young people out on good-time cruises, they were falling overboard the whole time. Give him old people any day."

Our first port of call was the town of Valletta on Malta. My intention here was to slip ashore and get lost in the gay colourful crowds for an hour or two.

"Within a minute or two of landing, I am hailed by people I know well. They are Mavis Nicholson, Rosie Boycott and Richard Ingrams, as well as Colin Shindler and Maureen Lipman, who are guest speakers on the ship in their own right and have gravitated to the Oldie gang. This worries me, as I had always imagined writers to be surly lone wolves and not pack animals.

"Apparently, the Swan Hellenic guided walk of Valletta omits the Cathedral of St John, which is the thing most worth seeing in Valletta, so they have all broken away from the official walk and we proceed there. Outside it is as plain as a barracks. Inside it glitters madly with gold, in high baroque style. I have seen discos which were more restrained. The highpoint is the Caravaggio painting of The Execution of St John the Baptist, which we all admire hugely. This is compulsory. It would be criminal to come all this way and not admire it hugely. Everyone else says the composition and lighting are staggering. It reminds me of bloodthirsty Mel Gibson films, but I say nothing.

"On the way back to the ship, Maureen Lipman tells me a very funny joke about Judas Iscariot. The punchline depends on getting Jesus's intonation just right. Later I tell the joke to someone. He doesn't laugh. I think Maureen does a better Jesus than I do."

It was at Malta that the most terrible rumour swept the ship. Our next two stops would be in Libya, and under Colonel Gaddafi's rule, no ship in Libyan ports or even in Libyan waters, could serve alcohol, and therefore the bars would all be closed for two days. My journal records:

"With little time left before departure from Malta, passengers have started flocking on shore looking for liquor stores. There is only one liquor store near the port. When it heard that hordes of Swan Hellenic oldies were coming with full wallets, it closed. On his next tour of the ship, Captain comforts weeping passengers and urges them to be brave.

"Next day: Another wild rumour sweeps the ship. It seems Maureen Lipman has got two or three bottles of Campari stashed away, and is going to let us have some when the ship's in-house TV shows The Devil Wears Prada, so we can have a drink and criticise Meryl Streep. This evening we duly piled into her room, till it was as crowded as Tony Curtis's top bunk in Some Like It Hot, and drank red concoctions and heartily decried Meryl Streep. I caught sight of Richard Ingrams's expression. It has the haunted expression of a man who is not used to watching haute couture comedies with 10 film critics in a small cupboard.

"My wife enters the cabin and says in an odd voice, 'Just now, before I came in the cabin, I heard you say out loud, "Lord, is it me that shall betray you?" What's that all about?'. I tell her that I was practising a joke about Judas Iscariot that Maureen Lipman told me. It is hard to tell if she believes me."

More of this anon, perhaps...