Of gods and men

'Why were the Jews the chosen people? Because old Jehovah had chosen them, replied the Christian god. And so it went round in circles'

I have received another press release from the United Deities, the heavenly body which holds regular meetings of all known present and past gods to oversee progress on earth. The latest meeting took place last week (our time) and covered such subjects as the war against Iraq, the forthcoming feast of Christmas and the Harry Potter phenomenon. Obviously, I cannot bring you all the details, but the following summary should give you an idea of how very different the omnipotent and the omniscient are from us poor mortals.

1. The Chairgod drew attention to the first item on the agenda, which was the same as last time, and indeed the time before that, and asked if there had been any rapprochement yet between the Jewish God and the Christian God.

2. The Christian God said there was precious little hope of there being a rapprochement while the Jews went round thinking they were the chosen people. The Jewish God said, Well, they were the chosen people: the Christian faith seemed happy to pick up any old followers from any old where. The Christian God said he would ignore that and just ask by whom it was that the Jews had been chosen to be a chosen people. The Jewish God said that he personally had chosen them. The Christian God said that it was a no-win situation. Old Jehovah had chosen them, therefore they were chosen. Why were they chosen? Because old Jehovah had chosen them. It went round in circles. It was the old three-card trick.

3. The Jewish God said that if anyone was more like a three-card trick than the Christian God, he didn't know who it was. I mean, were you dealing with a single god or a Trinity? It was as if the Christian God was saying, Come on, squire, here's three cards. Can you spot which one is the Holy Ghost!? Let's see your money! The Christian God said that this was blasphemy.

4. The Chairgod said that as the Christian God knew very well, gods could not be guilty of blasphemy, only believers could be guilty of blasphemy. Anyway, he got the impression that the Jewish and Christian gods were no nearer agreement yet...

5. Ganesh, from India, said that it was plain to the stupidest god that the Jewish God and the Christian God would never reach agreement, although from his perspective there was very little difference between the two of them.

6. The Chairgod said that in his experience those who were nearest were often furthest apart, and perhaps they should move on to the next item, which was a vote of dismay at the success on earth of such things as Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings, in other words, at man-made myths and magic. What is the point of us being here to believe in, he asked, if humans invented other magic nonentities to believe in which did not even exist?

7. The vote of dismay was passed unanimously. It was noted that a previous vote to cast a spell on JK Rowling so that she would be unable to finish her next instalment of Harry Potter had worked very well, and the Chairgod said he would pass on their thanks to the committee concerned.

8. Moving on to the war against Iraq, the Chairgod said he had had a note from Thor, Norse god of thunder, to the effect that if the Americans didn't get on with things, he personally felt inclined to start the war himself. The Chairgod said that this was entirely against the rules. Gods should not get involved in wars. Floods, earthquakes, plagues and epidemics, yes, but wars should be left to human stupidity. Thor said that he resented the idea that wars were stupid, as fighting was noble.

9. Tyr, the Norse god of war, said he resented Thor trying to take over his territory, as he was responsible for war and Thor, might he remind him, was restricted to making thunder and big noises happen, so he would thank Thor for not sticking his nose in to grown-up business. Thor challenged Tyr to come outside and say that again. Tyr said he would willingly.

10. The Chairgod sighed and said he would now come to a protest which had been lodged by the Inca deities against the success of the Aztecs exhibition in London, and the knotty question of whether this constituted excessive profit-making.

More of this riveting stuff tomorrow