The element of surprise

'We have a build-up of troops looking as if they're going to invade Iraq. What I would do is invade someone else. Catch them off guard'

The outbreak of bitter hostilities, masterminded by the Americans, cannot be more than a month or two away now, and bids fair to blight all our lives. Yes, Oscar night is almost here yet again!

But mercifully the Americans have also arranged a war against Iraq to take our mind off the coming horror of the Academy Awards evening, and I find that many of my readers are getting quite excited over this brand new transatlantic project. When is it programmed to start, they want to know? Will it be on every night? Will it only be available on Sky? Who is going to be in it? When will it be out on video?

Patience, ladies and gents! All in good time! And here, meanwhile, to answer all your questions is our very own expert. Until his recent retirement, Major-General Woodley Green was the acknowledged expert on overseas troop movements and was one of the masterminds of the Gulf War. Now that all the other retired officers who were also masterminds of the Gulf War have been signed up by the press and media, we were lucky to get hold of Major-General Woodley Green, at a very reasonable rate.

Major-General Green, if you wouldn't mind...?

Certainly. What do I do?

You just sit there.

Fine.

And I read out the questions sent in by readers.

Fine.

And you answer them.

Fine. Fire away.

First of all, what exactly was your role in the Gulf War?

None of your damned business.

I thought you agreed to answer questions about...?

Future wars, yes. Past wars, no. That's all covered by the Official Secrets Act. My lips are sealed. Memory's on the blink, too, but that's another story. Next question.

Will there be a war against Iraq?

There will be a war, yes.

Against Iraq?

Not necessarily.

Against who, then?

Against whom.

Sorry. Against whom?

Can't let standards slip just because there's a war on. One thing I can't stand, it's sloppy grammar.

So, against whom will the war be?

Well, the situation is that we have a tremendous build-up of troops in the Middle East, looking as if they're going to invade Iraq. Net result, we've completely lost the element of surprise. Fatal error. What I would do is invade someone else, someone completely different. Catch them totally off guard.

Who would you invade?

Zimbabwe.

Why Zimbabwe?

Mugabe's a madman. Has to be got rid of.

Yes, but Zimbabwe's a long way from the Middle East.

Good point. All right – in that case invade Israel.

Israel!?

Yes.They'd never see us coming. They'd be expecting us to invade Zimbabwe. Pow! Give them a taste of what it's like to be occupied territory for a change.

But the Americans would never stand for Israel being invaded!

Why not?

Well, they haven't got any oil in Israel, for a start. Also, Israel and America are allies. You can't declare war on your own allies!

Why not? We invaded France in the Second World War.

Yes, but that was in order to get the Germans out!

All right. Invade Israel to get the Germans out.

There aren't any Germans in Israel!

Good point. Well, invade Saudi Arabia, then.

But they are our allies as well!

Not for long, from what I hear. People tell me that the monarchy in Saudi is getting a bit jittery. One day it will fall. New, radical government gets in, hostile to the Americans. Cuts off oil supply. People in America pay twice as much for fuel. George W Bush falls from power. Can't have that. So, invade Saudi Arabia now.

And not Iraq?

No.

Any other points you wish to make from this session?

Yes. That Australian girl. Nicole Kidman. I like the look of her. Few bob on her for an Oscar, I reckon.

Major-General Woodley Green will be back again tomorrow, unless anyone knows someone a bit more reliable we can get hold of.