My So-called Life: Posh could learn a lot from Miss Wales

One Mother's account of the Easter break so far. This Mother has not had sex with David Beckham, although would like to one day, if he can fit her in. This Mother is available at all times, which includes the breaks during ER. This Mother will not sell the story because she will blurt it out for free anyway. This Mother has never kept a secret in her life. This Mother is neither a Spanish beauty nor a Malaysian beauty, but can make good goblets out of Quality Street wrappers. This Mother would like Beckham to know she will have sex on the bonnet of any car. It does not have to be a Ferrari, although that would be her first choice. This Mother bears no relation to any other Mother, living, dead or half-dead, which is often what it feels like when you are a Mother who has to queue in Clarks and promptly loses letters that have to be signed and returned to school. Anyone who suggests otherwise will, again, be hearing from my solicitor.

One Mother's account of the Easter break so far. This Mother has not had sex with David Beckham, although would like to one day, if he can fit her in. This Mother is available at all times, which includes the breaks during ER. This Mother will not sell the story because she will blurt it out for free anyway. This Mother has never kept a secret in her life. This Mother is neither a Spanish beauty nor a Malaysian beauty, but can make good goblets out of Quality Street wrappers. This Mother would like Beckham to know she will have sex on the bonnet of any car. It does not have to be a Ferrari, although that would be her first choice. This Mother bears no relation to any other Mother, living, dead or half-dead, which is often what it feels like when you are a Mother who has to queue in Clarks and promptly loses letters that have to be signed and returned to school. Anyone who suggests otherwise will, again, be hearing from my solicitor.

Day One

Mother and family set off for north Wales to stay with in-laws. Mother goes, but only on understanding she might have to scoot if Beckham txts for sx. Mother's husband and son announce they have a tape for the car. This tape is called: "An Evening With Blowers." Mother does not have a good feeling about this. Mother thinks even a quick coffee in town with this Blowers person might be pushing it too far. Mother does not understand how she ended up with this sports-mad husband and son. Mother does not get the point of sport.* At school, Mother was so useless that when it came to rounders she was made such an outside, outside fielder she was effectively over the borough boundary. Mother was twice returned to school by the truancy officer.

Mother hopes this won't count against her when she has sex with Beckham. Mother will feel bad for Brooklyn and Romeo, but she will make them goblets out of Quality Street wrappers. Children love Mother's goblets and never get bored of them. Children only say, "Oh no, not another goblet" because they fear for Mother's wrists.

Mother blames Victoria for putting her career before family happiness. This Mother has never put anything before family happiness, apart from her own, which is why she keeps saying she is not interested in what happened at Headingley ('81) and why can't we listen to Abba? Mother is not won over by Blowers. Nothing personal, but if she ever met him for a quick coffee in town she would have to punch him in the face. She would ask him to take his glasses off first. Mother is not a sportsman, but this much she understands.

Day Two

Mother is now in Wales. In the country. Mother doesn't really get the point of the country. There is a lot of mud. Mother doesn't mind the Welsh, but wishes they would stop talking in consonants. Or stamping on scones and calling them Welsh cakes. Husband and son go to play with rugby ball in graveyard. Mother is invited, but finds the words "rugby ball " and "graveyard" do not have the effect on her that "sex" and "Ferrari" might.

Mother offers to help mother-in-law in kitchen but mother-in-law will not have it. "Please, let me help," Mother does not say. Mother chain-smokes on the settee and reads the Wrexham Leader and is glad she is not Miss Wales: "Miss Wales was pleased to visit the relocated shop of Westminster Carpets where Michael Mullen the Proprietor shows her the latest ranges of 8/20 quality wool carpets." Husband and boy return with pink cheeks. Husband and boy say Mother looks like Shane McGowan, only less attractive. Mother does not want to look like Shane McGowan but is still glad she is not Miss Wales.

"United Carpets and Beds welcomes Miss Wales to their store to see the massive range of carpets, cushioned floor, laminates and beds. Spring sale starting tomorrow! Don't be put off by the Roadworks!" Mother says that if she were serious about carpets, cushioned floor, laminates and beds, she would certainly not be put off by any Roadworks!, even bad ones that begin with capital letters. Mother drives an N-reg Nissan Micra (old shape) and will have sex with Beckham on the bonnet of that, if it comes to it. She will wear blusher.

Day Three

Husband and son go to play football up at the old steelworks. Mother continues to stalk Miss Wales. "Miss Wales visits our newly refurbished Peugeot showroom at Croesfoel. Miss Wales is pictured here with Chris Gittins (Sales Manager) and Ian Houston (New Salesman)." Mother is now quite glad that her beauty career never came to much. Mother could have been Miss Crouch End ('84) but refused to put her career before family happiness. Mother says the fact she was eliminated after the swimsuit round on the grounds that this was not a Shane McGowan lookalike contest is neither here nor there.

Day Four

"Miss Wales visits the ladies-only area of Fitness First Wrexham with club member Rachel and personal trainer Mark." What is Mark doing in there?, Mother wants to know. Mother thinks Miss Wales must have covered Wrexham by now, but no: "Miss Wales visits Minera Tyres & Exhausts. Lowest prices on tyres and exhausts for miles. All prices include VAT, fitting, balancing, new valves."

Day Five

Back to London. No Blowers. Instead, TalkSport and Brian Lara doing something that Mother cannot find exciting. Mother wonders why everyone hates Posh so much. Mother thinks it's because she shops all day and yet never looks happy. Mother thinks Posh should be more like Joan Collins, who shops all day and does look happy. Or Miss Wales, who looks happy, even though Mother knows she probably doesn't give a stuff about all prices including Vat, fitting, balancing and new valves. The public loves a happy shopper, Mother concludes. Mother is going to send Miss Wales a complete set of goblets. Handmade. I'm onto it now, or would be, if I was the Mother mentioned, but I'm not.

¿ Mother does quite like ice-dancing, but only in the hope someone falls over. Mother is quite cruel in that way