Rebecca Tyrrel: Sir Alan Sugar will climb into his Rolls Royce shouting, 'You're fired!' at the lot of them

Who knew that Sir Alan Sugar is not the only BBC1 prime-time star in his family? His niece, Rita Simons, plays Roxy Mitchell in EastEnders, and for those who are easily confused by soap life versus real life, this means that he is also related to Peggy Mitchell, otherwise known as Barbara Windsor, another east Londoner who refuses to suffer fools.

Continuing with this pleasing soap/real-life mash-up, we are able to see how Baron Sugar of Clapton is related to Old Etonian, Charlie Brooks. Here goes: Sir Alan Sugar, as we now know, is the uncle of Rita Simons who plays Roxy in EastEnders. Roxy is the cousin of Grant Mitchell, aka Ross Kemp. Ross Kemp was the first husband of the former Sun editor Rebekah Wade (she was once arrested for an alleged assault on him). Rebekah Wade is now married to Charlie Brooks. Voila!

But back to Rita and her Uncle Sir Alan. "Sir Alan Sugar is my uncle," she confirms, "…and he's much nicer in real life… Yes, he's still straight-talking, but he's a lot kinder… We went to their place in Marbella for lunch last summer. But generally, it's funerals, weddings, bar mitzvahs and awards ceremonies."

Ah, yes, those awards ceremonies, bringing families together: Uncle Sir Alan over there, picking up for The Apprentice; his lovely niece Rita collecting her Most Popular Newcomer award; and there in the corner are cousins by soap-land marriage, Charlie and Rebekah, being arrested (not again, Rebekah!) for their involvement in the News of The World phone-hacking scandal.

Uncle Sir Alan will probably lose his temper at this point because he has been ferociously critical of the tabloid malpractice for which Mrs Brooks awaits trial. So a lively family knees-up will surely ensue, during which Uncle Sir Alan will probably urge Grant to have a word with his ex-missus, which will inevitably lead to Ross Kemp asking Charlie Brooks outside for a punch-up.

Here they will encounter another Charlie Brooks, the actress who plays Roxy's sister, Ronnie, who won I'm a Celebrity… this year. Barbara Windsor will attempt to bring order out of the chaos, but she becomes confused when another Ronnie (Knight), her ex-husband, turns up along with the ghost of his friend, yet another Ronnie (Kray). In the meantime, Uncle Sir Alan will climb into his Rolls shouting "You're fired!" at not just the Ronnies and the Charlies, but the whole bloomin' lot of them. Honestly, families.