If you ask me...I've figured out how to take over Twitter

This is my recipe to earn 60 billion thousand trillion followers. Read it carefully

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If you ask me, ever since I stopped simply stalking people – I know; I’m creepy – and acquired my own Twitter account it’s been nothing but stress, stress, stress, and being ignored.

I ask you: What does one have to do to get some attention around here?

Do you think I like seeing Suzanne Moore getting all the attention? And Julie Burchill? Do you? I don’t. It hurts. It’s painful. WHY ISN’T IT ABOUT ME?!?!?!

So, I’m going to make some changes. I’m going to be big. I’m going to trend. I’m going to have so many followers when I die they’re going to say: “She leaves a son, 72p, knitting she abandoned in 1984 (a scarf) and 60 billion thousand trillion Twitter followers.” I’ve made a serious study of how to get attention and, with Twitter being so self-referential, I think one of my best bets is say something about Twitter users. That’ll get tweeted and re-tweeted and re-re-tweeted.

So, have you seen latest research which shows 76 per cent of Twitter users have the gene for homophobia? And are prone to sciatica? And have inadvertently divulged their ATM pin to a third party? That’s the sort of thing you’ll tweet, right? When you’re not too busy worrying you’re a sad homophobe whose money is being spent by someone else and whose back is going to start playing up any minute now?

And just to make sure I’m covering all bases, I’m also going to say that 92 per cent of Facebook users eat the one thing in the fridge another member of the household has their eye on (an Onken chocolate mousse, usually), while those who use that Google circley thing suffer from erectile dysfunction of the kind that makes a penis twist itself into a balloon animal. A chicken, the latest research shows (#chickenpenis).

If that doesn’t work, I’ll say something that will be taken amiss by all the different kinds of victimhoods out there – “Depressed people should not eat with their mouths open” – or I could relate a funny anecdote about technology. A funny anecdote about technology catches on like wildfire.

Let me think. OK – and this is true – my father recently gave my mother her first mobile phone for her 85th birthday and when she went out with it for the first time he thought he’d call her, to see if she answered. And? She did, and said: “Sidney, how did you know I was in Tesco?”

That’s funny, right? That’s hilarious. That should get around, with the hashtag #debsmum and although my mum won’t know what it’s about, I will, and I’ll be happy, because I’ll know IT IS REALLY ALL ABOUT ME!