If you ask me...If you're showing signs of Being Alive, beware

Many famous people throughout history have experienced Being Alive and its fatal consequences; Albert Einstein, Elvis Presley, even Napoleon

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If you ask me, and in response to the latest health news that bacon can kill you, I would like to update you all on a condition called “Being Alive” which is, I’m afraid, 100 per cent fatal. Or as the BMA recently concluded: “Despite millions of pounds spent on research, Being Alive is still this nation’s number one killer.” And: “Obviously, we accept bacon is evil, particularly when it works in gangs, but of the 484,367 people who died in the UK last year, 484,367 were discovered to have once shown all the signs of Being Alive, and we believe that this cannot be sheer coincidence.”

Many famous people throughout history have experienced Being Alive and its fatal consequences. Albert Einstein, for example, died of Being Alive in 1955, Napoleon died of Being Alive in 1821, Elvis famously died of Being Alive on a toilet, while Boudicca died of Being Alive around AD60. It is now even thought that Being Alive dates back to the very beginning of time, and has always, one way or another, led to Not Being Alive Any More, which is otherwise referred to in the medical literature as “Being Dead”. Being Dead is a metabolic affliction which causes all life functions to shut down and has the bereaved asking: why, why, why? One of the great tragedies of Being Dead is that you can no longer be around for loved ones. Also, you may feel quite stiff the next day.

Anyway, to check if you are currently Being Alive, which is sometimes referred to as PDS (Pre-Death Syndrome), look down at your chest. Is it rising and falling? If it is rising and falling then, chances are, you are experiencing Being Alive. Or have you experienced any petty frustrations lately? Have you put on a wash and forgotten to include the one item you really wanted washed? Have you wandered into a shop, instantly realised everything is horrible, but felt obliged to look around before exiting with an over-bright: “BYE! THANKS!” If so, these are The Petty Frustrations of Being Alive, and probably all the confirmation you need.

As for Being Dead, although there are, supposedly, ways of combating it – a healthy diet; ball-checking; unwavering faith in Jesus Christ, Our Lord; rescue helicopters; crossing to the other side of the road when you see a bacon gang approaching – these have been shown to have no overall impact on fatality rates at all. Indeed, as the World Health Organisation has noted: “The world Being Dead rate has been at 100 per cent for as long as anyone can remember, and shows no signs of declining.” And as the BMA has added: “You’re going to die, matey. Get over it.”