Captain Moonlight: Times like these call for the calming reassurance that a column like this can provide

Steady!

Times like these call for the calming reassurance that only the rock-steady, immutable and unchanging nature of a column like this can provide. Mixed in, of course, with an acceptable amount of danger and edge. Which desperate old gag, for example, you are asking yourself, is he going to foist off on us today? Wait no longer! Here we go! A man wakes up on a desert island with no one about. He looks down and his legs, arms and body are all purple. "Oh no!" he says, "I've been marooned!" Oi! Forward!

Crimewatch

With Captain Moonlight. I see that a pair of size 28 boots has been stolen from Jay Miller's Circus in Gosport. Eyes peeled, everybody! Listen out for a suspicious kind of "flap, flap" sound, and, possibly, the parp of a hooter. Slightly too short check trousers might be a bit of a giveaway, too. Next!

Roundabout!

And while we're at it, could you watch out for Kevin Beresford of BB Printers, Redditch, too, please? Mr Beresford, producer of the legendary Roundabouts of Redditch calendar, is branching out, and told me last week that he was off to Grimsby, where his wife comes from, to photograph roundabouts there. He promised to report how he got on, but there has been an ominous silence. Do you live near a roundabout in Grimsby? Could you see if Mr Beresford is still going round? Thank you.

Next!

Did you see, too, that the Poet Laureate mentioned a roundabout in his latest poem? He did. Captain at cultural cutting edge or what? Is this the roundabout's first poetic appearance? Exciting! I've pictured one to celebrate. Next!

Well, I'll Go To The Foot Of Our Stairs,

With Captain Moonlight. And our Ms Hunter, the travel editor here, tells me that "eleven plus two" is an anagram of "twelve plus one". Remarkable. Thank you for that, Ms Hunter. All together now: Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs! Next!

Transport!

More! Do you remember Mr Campbell of Kelso? You must! He lives within a few yards of Kelso bus station! And he has a question: why do you never see an executive on an executive coach? Thank you, Mr Campbell. Captain Moonlight and His Readers: Thinking, Challenging. On!

B&B!

And I note that, according to The Good Bed and Breakfast Guide, owners are now offering white, fluffy towels. And bath oils in en suite bathrooms. The Captain Says: I sense an opportunity here. Why don't you launch an old-time-B&B-themed B&B? Just follow these simple instructions: 1. En suite bathroom? Whip it out and add three camp beds. 2. Carpet, wallpaper and towel must be floral in theme, but should on no account match. 3. Towel should never be more than two foot square. 4. Distress bedside tables with lighted cigarettes. 5. Notes: leave lots of these around on most topics, but always be proscriptive in a slightly threatening way, and always give a time after which the particular activity is strictly forbidden. 6. Fix bedroom doors with strong spring and Yale lock, thus maximising chances of guest being locked out of room in nothing but the two-foot-square towel. 7. Give keys out by all means, but don't forget to bolt the front door at 10pm sharp. 7. Tomatoes should be tinned. 8. Brown bread? Are you mad? 9. Always sigh heavily when putting plate in front of guest. 10. Stand over guest 10 minutes before advertised end of breakfast. 11. If shy, bring in vacuum cleaner instead. 12. Now go to it!

Tag!

Do you know, I've always been a fan of those lines they have on film posters, the ones that tell you a bit more than the title. "Garbo talks!", "What are the two great reasons for Jane Russell's rise to stardom?", that sort of thing. And I've just spotted a cracking new one, for the new Napoleon film, with Gérard Depardieu: "He was a master of war and peace. His struggle was with love." Fantastic! Fit to rank well up there with the all-time Captainly favourites: "Nothing says goodbye like a bullet" (The Long Goodbye); "This was the weekend they didn't play golf" (Deliverance); "Guns on their hips, songs on their lips" (Riders of the Black River); "When he pours, he reigns" (Cocktail); "Makes Ben-Hur look like an epic" (Monty Python and the Holy Grail); "Half man, half fly, total terror!" (The Fly); "Far up! Far out! Far more!" (On Her Majesty's Secret Service); and the tippety-top, "The coast is toast" (Volcano). Excellent. Yours, please! That's a picture of Napoleon, by the way. Next!

Twinkle!

Yes, indeed, that's the clever columnar effect that tends to herald another dispatch from my celebrity correspondent, Ms Britt Bafter! "Captain! Dave Berry! You must remember him! The Crying Game! Trapped in his seat belt outside theatre in Swansea! Had to call the stage door on his mobile to be released with aid of screwdriver! Took nearly half an hour to free him! Must dash, bye!" Remarkable. Next!

Wobble!

Another recent area of intense Captainly interest has been the search for a cure to the wobbly table. Already, we have featured the Stabletable, invented by an Uxbridge man, eight pieces of strong plastic, held together in a fan, just choose the right thickness, fold the other pieces up along the leg, splendid, and the Wobble Wedge, from America, as recommended by Mrs Gooch of Halesworth, very much as name suggests, complete with hole for piece of string for easy retrieval, donated to Mr Walkley at the Welsh National Assembly (wobble in cafeteria). But, now, wait, what is this, from Mr Baxter of Bromley? "Captain! A bit ago now, I read of a mathematician who, by virtue of some fearsome maths, proved that a table will always have at least one stable position when rotated. So: two people lift and rotate table by about 15 degrees, repeat, until no wobble! It works too." Marvellous. Readers: try this at home. That's a table up there, by the way: can you spot the wobbly leg? Next!

Stop Press!

Weather! And at long last we are nearing an answer to the mystery of why the weather in Folkestone in our weather chart never seems to be available, or n/a, as we say in the trade! Big shake-up going on! Met Office asked to explain! Next week, given a fair wind, there should be no n/as! Captain Moonlight: you ask, he delivers! Forward!