Charles Nevin: More great reasons for being British

Given that, according to the latest figures, you have either just arrived in Britain, or are thinking about leaving, I thought it might be useful to point out a few pertinent features of life in this country today which will help the newcomers find their feet and help those considering their departure come to a decision.

First, this matter of surveillance. While it is true that the four million CCTV cameras filming you 300 times a day on average are there for your protection and safety, it is important not to underestimate the strain of always having to look your best. (And I need hardly add that the ancient and inalienable right of every Briton to have a discreet pick of the nose has never been more under threat.)

Again, it is perhaps a little disturbing that so much information about you is being gathered from so many different sources; but it's also a comfort that at least someone knows what on earth you were doing last Tuesday.

DNA database: some think all of us should be tested, some don't. But to those who question the ability of the relevant authorities to manage such a system, I say this: those authorities have the data and findings to refute such claims, and, with any luck, they should be able to provide them fairly shortly, if they can get through to the helpline.

Teenagers: it would be foolish to pretend that there's not a problem here. Which is why I must applaud David Cameron's call to give them a bit more love, and commiserate with the 61-year-old lady thrown out of pub in Sittingbourne last week for wearing a hoodie. But there is some good news: I see that two thirds of teenagers are now too obese to join the Army, which means there will have to be fewer invasions, and that it will be easier to catch them.

Food stocks: it was also predicted last week that fish could be wiped out by 2048 because of overfishing and environmental change. But there was some comfort in the record number of entries - Over 300 - for the Great Yorkshire Pork Pie, Sausage and Products Competition in Bradford, which included a Best Burger category for the first time.

I should also like to offer up for your consideration some further encouraging events and reports from last week which speak volumes for Britain and the quality of the British Way of Life. Evidence that, despite a difficult time recently for the judiciary, our insistence on the upright remains undiminished came with the sacking of Danielle Lloyd as Miss Great Britain after she appeared to let slip details of previous close but non-forensic examinations by one of the judges, Mr Teddy Sheringham, the elderly footballer.

Elsewhere, David Beckham was tipped for a knighthood, Russell Brand is joining Radio 2, pagan prisoners were given time off to celebrate Hallowe'en, a self-stirring tea mug went on sale, and a petrol station in Tewkesbury said an 82-year-old motorist was still welcome after she demolished a diesel pump, overturned her car and had to be cut free by 12 firefighters.

But, for me, the finest proof that this is and will continue to be a great country to live in came from the Today programme, which broadcast in Morse to mark the code's centenary, and from Mr Keith Hamer, a retired telephone engineer from Derby, who was revealed to have a complete collection of television test cards, together with around 3,500 recordings of the accompanying music. Come! Welcome! Don't Go!

National birds on the brain

Not everything is perfect here, though. Britain lacks an official national bird, a sad omission being only partly addressed by Scotland's plan to adopt the golden eagle, left. We should act now. As for candidates, although the eagle can be an excellent choice (particularly for newspapers), Benjamin Franklin was not impressed by bald ones, wanting America to plump for the turkey as its national bird.

It's interesting to speculate what effect this rather different image might have had in and on the world, especially when you consider that Canada's bird is the common loon, while the Danes, as self-effacing as ever, chose the mute swan. France, in contrast, has the cockerel. But this is no time for ruffling feathers. My proposal for Britain would send out a charming, non-aggressive, yet Churchillian message. I give you: the chicken.

* For further evidence that these are giddy and moving times, go no further than the world of transport. We have all been amazed by the early arrival of Christmas in the shape of that splendidly all-purpose metaphor vehicle, the quarter-mile-long MS Emma Maersk, with 45,000 tonnes of gifts from China, but there's more. On the rails, passengers helped fix a Virgin train after a tannoy appeal for nuts and bolts, while on the roads, council functionaries of an existentialist bent have placed no-exit signs at every exit from a roundabout in Coventry. And a Dutch town is abolishing traffic lights. "We want small accidents," said Drachten's traffic planner, "in order to prevent serious ones in which people get hurt." Marvellous. Do you think the Emma Maersk might wait to take things back, like 200,000 sandwich toasters and one million pairs of socks?