Deborah Ross: Give me a cheap toiletry set, but not a dog mug

If you ask me...

If you ask me, it is time I put in a plea on behalf of all hobbyists, sports lovers, and devoted pet owners, and that plea is this: "No themed Christmas gifts. Not this year. Not next year. Not ever again."

I am a devoted pet-owner. I like dogs. I enjoy dogs. I have a dog. But none of this means I want dog-themed gifts.

I do not want dog coasters, a dog apron, dog mugs, or slippers with dogs on them. I do not want a dog calendar, a dog key ring, a jokey dog sign – "Never mind the dog, beware the owner" – or that canine IQ test, How Smart Is Your Dog*, to which the answer has to be: "If you just spent £4.99 on this, then a great deal smarter than you, my love."

I would prefer anything but. I would even prefer a cheap toiletry set built around a deodorising body spray with a name like "Flirty" or "Petal Dream".

However, I accept that my travails are nothing as compared to those who like golf. Indeed, it is those who like golf who probably have most to fear, and as one such man tells me. "I happen to enjoy the odd round of golf. End of. It does not mean l would like a tie printed with golf clubs, an egg cup in the shape of a tee, golf boxers, or golf cuff-links. It does not mean I would like a golf caddy pen set, a golf ball ice-cube tray, a golf bag miniature clock, a little book of golf jokes, a golf ball soap on a rope, golf paperweight or an auto putt returner to play on the toilet. My liking of golf has nothing to do with any of the above. Toilets are for toileting purposes. I would prefer socks. Or even a cheap toiletry gift set built around Lynx."

I hope you have got the message. But just in case, let me put it another way. People have children. They like their children (mostly). They enjoy their children (mostly). They talk a lot about their children (oh, yes). They spend a vast amount of time with their children (whether they like it or not). But would you buy them a musical bottle opener in the shape of a child for Christmas? Boxer shorts decorated with small children? A USB child, waterproof to 100 fathoms? Do you get what I'm saying now?

(*My dog, since you ask, is very smart. He is also a good boy, and the best boy, and mummy's favourite boy, but I still do not want a tote shopper with his photo on, or a wash bag.)