Deborah Ross: It's easy!!!1! You too can become an internet troll!!!1!

If you ask me: Should you ever use a full stop you will never be fully accepted by the troll community

If you ask me, now my magazine Not OK! for the no-can-do woman is up and running – see this month's special on the bikini body, and why you'll never acquire one, you big silly – I have decided to turn my attention to "How To" guides, the first of which is How To Become An Online Hater or, if you prefer, How to Become A Troll or, if you prefer, How To Be A Dick On The Internet. Either way, I will know my job is done, and has been done expertly, when it is reviewed on Amazon by Gladi8tor666 as "compleat shiz and your A FAG!!!1!".

Indeed, your very first requirement is to display the spelling and grammar skills of a brain-damaged goat that speaks English as a fourth language and suffers from convulsions. Still, you must sincerely imagine you can write this entire newspaper so much better than those who do, as in: "u get payed for this seriosly u are all retaerdz!!!1!".

Should you ever use a full stop, say, or correctly pluralise instead of simply adding a "z", you will never be fully accepted by the troll community, who would meet regularly if only they had the courage to come out from behind the anonymity of computers. One troll did once but didn't like it.

"I felt quite small and powerless," he said, "and was thrown off the bus for my casual racism, misogyny and sexism, which was a bit rich, as I'd yet to get onto whether I'd do Amanda Knox and how Jews run all governments, as well as the weather, and are responsible for all socks that get holes in. It was quite humiliating, so from then on I vowed to stay inside with my caps-lock on and the 17 words I know for 'gay'."

Other requirements include a simmering rage, unfulfilled attention needs, an inherent stupidity, a wild illogicality, those 17 words for "gay" and, if you are Gladi8tor666, a tiny penis. If you are unsure whether your penis is sufficiently tiny you must ask yourself this: do I have a monster TV and yearn to own guns? If so, chances are your penis is tiny enough, and you are absolutely ready to take out your sexual frustration on the internet, perhaps by remarking that all women are "horz and slagz". It may not be much of a start, but you do have to start somewhere, you know.

So this is my first "How To" guide and, needless to say, I look forward to any comments below, and if you would like to compare me to a Nazi, go right ahead. Because the fact is, I am quite the Nazi, although only between 2pm and 4pm on Mondays. I am quite strict about that!!!1!

d.ross@independent.co.uk