The Sketch: Hairy moments with the Miliboys

We shouldn't really dwell on silly hair in these dark days. But you can't talk about Ed Miliband's leadership potential without referring to his.

It's rich, black and sumptuously thick. It's more like fur than hair, and it gives him an aura of strength, health and warmth. You could imagine naked women rolling on a rug made of his hair, tattooing each other. The trouble is he keeps it in such an odd way. The sides are conventional but on top he brushes it forward from the crown and then, where it would fall over his forehead in a lick – he's glued it upright. You can see a handspan of glue shining behind the standy-up bits.

Very old, well-loved paintbrushes look like that. I'd assumed someone had sneezed over him but my hairdressing consultant insists it's deliberate, and I think that's right. It's a sort of fashion if I can put it like that, a style thing if you will.

I'm not convinced political leaders have hair like that. But interestingly, his under minister has adopted the same technique only more so. David Kidney has absolutely plasticated his hair. It looks like a scored lamination appliquéd to his skull. It is probably a mark of ownership. There's a token of submission in it because the upright bit is much smaller than his master's.

It shows us how the younger Miliband can inspire a sort of Single White Female response in his subordinates. They want to look like him. It's like a little gang. If Ed wore his trousers under the line of his buttocks I bet Kidney would too.

I suspect David Miliband used to belong to their gang and maybe he still does. But he must have done something so terrible that they made him cut his standy-up bit right off. He used to have a little one and now he hasn't. That's good. They made him mutilate his hair. It shows they understand power.

I haven't given up hope of their running as a joint candidacy. They could call themselves the Miliboys. David could run the policy and Ed would manage the party. It's too big a job for one person. But they'll need equal hair. If David is allowed to regrow his stand-up that will be a clue that the game is afoot.

One thing: Ed does slightly suffer from David's facial problem. He keeps touching it. Yesterday he was stroking his lips with one gentle finger, applying lipgloss more than balm. It's not as egregious as his brother's Bette Davis performance but it still flouts the important rule "a lady never touches her face in public". Come on girls, it's not as if you haven't been told!