Now we need a campaign to ban man hunting

Some men pretend to be gay – a disastrous mistake, since gender ambiguity is now an asset in a relationship

We are under pressure, they say. Misunderstood. If we try to be decisive, it is arrogance; when we are sharing and inclusive, we're told we should have been more decisive. We are like lost sheep. Speak up for us, please.

We are under pressure, they say. Misunderstood. If we try to be decisive, it is arrogance; when we are sharing and inclusive, we're told we should have been more decisive. We are like lost sheep. Speak up for us, please.

Frankly, the deluge of letters and e-mails from men in trouble – angry, bewildered, conflicted in various hideously intimate ways – has become something of a trial. Who do they think I am? Their mother?

And now we have a new source of male victimhood. There are apparently not enough of us to go around the women. The unacceptable ones are common enough but they are invariably no-hopers, substance abusers, TV addicts, violence junkies, lottery players or simply so socially dysfunctional that only the most desperate woman would dream of taking them to a dinner party. It has become a contemporary cliché. There are no decent men available. Many of them have gone over to play for the other side, doubtless heaving huge sighs of relief. Others are married and, although this is only a minor drawback in a society where adultery is the hobby of choice, it is generally accepted that the chances of a full, traditional relationship are constrained by the presence of a wife lurking in the background.

But the main problem, it seems, is that women are more picky. They take a look at most single, straight men and soon find them unsatisfactory in some significant way – too dull, too witty, too silent, too gabby, too keen on sex/money/career/setting up home/children/having fun, or not keen enough. None of that used to matter but in 2002 women are not prepared to compromise, they have come too far to accept the adequate or the passable. They want the best. They deserve it. They start shopping around.

The shortage of satisfactory men is now reaching such crisis proportions that academics are studying it as if it is one of the great problems of our time, up there with global warming, Third World debt and the destruction of the rainforests. It features prominently in The Marriage Crisis, a new book by the eminent American sociologist, James Q Wilson. "The sexual revolution – one that began nearly a century ago but was greatly hastened by the 1960s – was supposed to make men and women equal," he writes. "Instead it has helped men while leaving women unmarried spectators watching Sex and the City at home."

Helped men? Has the professor any idea what it's like out there on the streets, in the bars and the clubs, away from the safety of academic life? Women, simmering with a new sense of confidence and empowerment, are no longer waiting for a relationship to develop in a lovely, natural way, like a tender shoot questing through the cold earth in spring. They go out and compete for it, grab it before another woman gets there first. Once the symbol of courtship was the peacock; now it is the praying mantis.

If anyone is at home watching Sex and the City, it is the men. Suddenly, it's scary out there. The rules of engagement have not just been changed – the rule-book has been tossed in the office shredder. To take a small, innocent example, it was once an accepted ritual that, at some inappropriately early point, a man would ask a woman to go to bed with him. She would go through the motions of reluctance and, out of a delicate and beautiful process of negotiation, the beginnings of a relationship would (or would not) develop. Now, when the same question is asked, the answer is a brisk "Yup" as shoes are kicked off and buttons released. No wonder men get panicky, that all too quickly they turn out to be unsatisfactory.

There are strategies for those who find themselves in vulnerable situations. Some men pretend to be gay – a disastrous mistake since gender ambiguity is now an asset in a relationship rather than a liability. Others dress sloppily, forget to shave, take an aggressively laissez-faire approach to personal hygiene in the hope that a disgusting appearance will act as deterrent. This, too, is more likely to attract predators than repel them.

On the other hand, a few precautionary measures are worth bearing in mind. Avoid eye contact when in public places. Try to dress in a manner that will not attract attention. If a woman tries to strike up conversation, ask her if she has a friend in Jesus, or talk about your mother. Do not, on any account, fall for the old line about wanting to be friends. Friendship with a woman is never quite what it seems.

If all else fails, try to find a woman who will be your minder in these perilous times. Talk to her, eat meals with her, go out with her, sleep with her – live with her, if you must. Together you will be able to watch Sex and the City, content that you have avoided the scramble for satisfactory relationships that is going on outside.

terblacker@aol.com