Thanks to Brexit, Michael Gove has finally come out as an anti-austerity activist

As for Boris, he speaks the people's Latin: 'Cameron? He can do one ad infinitum mate'

Mark Steel
Thursday 16 June 2016 16:01 BST
Michael Gove appearing on Sky News this week
Michael Gove appearing on Sky News this week (PA)

“I want my country back.” For half the population, this is now the answer to all questions. They could be asked, “What do you say about an International Sewage Report that states without EU funding our cities will be covered in human waste by 2019 and you personally will be eaten alive by rats?” And they’d say: “I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK.”

It’s understandable. For centuries Britain has been invaded, colonised; we’ve had to hand over our raw materials to countries like India and Barbados; we’ve pleaded and begged, “please stop ordering us about and let us run our own affairs, Mister Gandhi”. At last, our patience has run out. We’ve snapped. We want our country back.

The people determined for us to remain in the EU, as Michael Gove explained, are part of an “elite”, an establishment clique he’s determined to oppose.

We should be thankful common sorts such as Michael ‘Che Guevara’ Gove, the people’s Lord Chancellor, spokesman for the ordinary peer and Conservative MP for the downtrodden labourers of Surrey Heath, is prepared to confront the elite and only goes to weddings of the voiceless, the humble and the powerless, such as Rupert Murdoch.

Clarkson and Cameron on Brexit

Rupert himself has been prepared to bravely speak out, declaring the “pro EU elite” is made up of “the corporate establishment.”

It’s remarkable how much courage people like Rupert Murdoch manage to find, to keep on struggling against the corporate establishment. Sometimes an elected government might wait a whole week before doing as Rupert tells them, but despite such setbacks he keeps on fighting for the common labouring international media tycoon, with not a thought for his own welfare.

Another rebel willing to take on this elite is salt-of-the-Earth Boris Johnson, the cheeky chappie from common old Eton, where folk were poor but happy.

Boris’s upbringing reads like an episode of Coronation Street, an everyday tale of honest-to-goodness investment bankers, overcoming the odds to survive in their 25-up 25-down back-to-back castles. Boris might have learned Latin, but he learned the people’s Latin, and could often be heard down the greasy spoon café saying “sine que non mate, that’s what I say, give it your mea culpa and ipso facto you’re done up like a kipper whatever your modus operandi and that’s veritus is that. As for Cameron, he can do one ad infinitum mate.”

Michael Gove has now revealed the EU even ruined his father’s fish business, the elite corporate pigs, though his full statement will go: “This geyser from Brussels came round and said what wiv the ol’ red tape his mackerel had to be re-classified as German sausage. Well my ol’ man weren’t ‘avin’ that. Then a numpty from Strasbourg said to comply with EU climate change law, all his haddock had to have a wind turbine sticking out their fins, bankrupted ‘im it did, what a palaver.”

At first Gove’s father appeared to dispute the claim, telling the Guardian that he “just decided to call it and a day and just sold up my business”. He has since denied that, saying, “Everybody in the north-east knows it was Europe that did such damage to the fish trade. There wasn’t any future for my business. It closed as a direct result of Europe.”

Luckily for Leavers, the Remain campaign seems equally insistent the best way to present their case is to make things up, so George Osborne informed us if we leave, he’ll have to pass a special budget cutting everything he hasn’t yet cut.

He also said he’ll have to raise taxes – although he’s always insisted raising taxes doesn’t bring in any extra money, and when Labour suggested raising taxes he told them they were idiots, incompetent and useless, driven by envy and would cause everything to catch fire.

So it’s refreshing that for once a politician can admit he’s wrong. Presumably he’ll now be urging us all to vote for Jeremy Corbyn.

Here’s where the Conservative Party may once again find unity, because Michael Gove and Boris Johnson insist they will oppose any cuts in welfare following the referendum – which isn’t surprising, as the first people you see on any demonstration against welfare cuts are always Michael Gove and Boris Johnson.

Now the Conservatives will finally be able to unite, as a hard left protest party.

To confuse matters even more, some trade unions support the Leave campaign because EU rules protect privatisation. This is a magnificent effort at not seeing the bigger picture, as this is now a referendum on whether you support an attitude of “We’re BRITAIN and we’re SICK of being told what to do by FOREIGNERS’, or not.

To vote Leave for some sort of socialist reason is like an atheist voting with the Satanists in a referendum about whether Britain should remain a Christian country or become a nation of devil-worshippers, just because you don’t like Salvation Army brass bands.

The most triumphant voices if we leave the EU will be the sort who composed the Daily Mail headline this week: “Fury over plot to let 1.5 million Turks into Britain.” They’ll all be here soon, all 1.5 million of them, building mosques in your garden shed and you’ll have to keep all their carpets in your bed and brush them every day or you’ll be fined by Europe.

By Monday the paper will have announced: “Now Ancient Egypt is set to join Europe. Five million pharaohs are set to invade Britain, MILLIONS will die from mummy’s curses and they plan to make Duchess of York a SLAVE and build a pyramid.”

Yesterday it showed a picture of stowaways on a boat, with a headline “We’re from Europe – let us in.” Well that’s Europe for you: run by stowaway elites, swanning about in a packing crate on the back of a fancy dolled-up lethally overcrowded fishing boat.

It’s alright for some isn’t it?

The EU referendum debate has so far been characterised by bias, distortion and exaggeration. So until 23 June we we’re running a series of question and answer features that explain the most important issues in a detailed, dispassionate way to help inform your decision.

What is Brexit and why are we having an EU referendum?

Does the UK need to take more control of its sovereignty?

Could the UK media swing the EU referendum one way or another?

Will the UK benefit from being released from EU laws?

Will we gain or lose rights by leaving the European Union?

Will Brexit mean that Europeans have to leave the UK?

Will leaving the EU lead to the break-up of the UK?

What will happen to immigration if there's Brexit?

Will Brexit make the UK more or less safe?

Will the UK benefit from being released from EU laws?

Will leaving the EU save taxpayers money and mean more money for the NHS?

What will Brexit mean for British tourists booking holidays in the EU?

Will Brexit help or damage the environment?

Will Brexit mean that Europeans have to leave the UK?

What will Brexit mean for British expats in Europe?

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