The tabloids want you to know they’re very concerned for Lily Allen’s health after her behaviour at Notting Hill Carnival

At a time like this, I’m glad I never reached enough notoriety to have my Carnival goings-on exposed with a zoom lens. I can only imagine the copy: ‘Distressing scenes of a drunken Scouser wining against fences erected to protect W11 properties from revellers’

Lily Allen was at Notting Hill Carnival this weekend (Getty)

The Sun receives a lot of flak, but one thing you can’t say is that it doesn’t care about women’s health. Right now it is particularly worried about Lily Allen, raising concerns over the singer’s “dramatic collapse” at Notting Hill Carnival over the weekend.

In “disturbing scenes”, the mum-of-two was seen vomiting before being rescued by her boyfriend. In a quest to know the truth about Lily’s mysterious health condition, the tabloid meticulously logs her “marathon booze session” apparently fuelled by cans of Strongbow cider, Red Stripe, Carlsberg, and homemade rum punch as well as her “suspicious cigarette” – replete with a close-up of said cigarette, so that readers could use their own sleuthing skills to get to the bottom of what was so suspicious about it.

Getting to the bottom of the issue, the newspaper reported that the event hinted at “the deep pain of her marriage split.” Because, of course, you know what drives women to the edge? Men.

At a time like this, I’m glad I never reached enough notoriety to have my Carnival goings-on exposed with a zoom lens. I can only imagine the copy: “Distressing scenes of a drunken Scouser wining against fences erected to protect W11 properties from revellers. The 5ft-3-inches blonde was later spotted supping on a bottle of Jamaican Ginger Beer. We cannot confirm, but a source said that the soft drink may have been used as a mixer for rum. The 27-year-old was later seen sitting on the pavement among discarded jerk chicken takeaway containers, drinking two Red Stripes and four Peronis, before stumbling in the direction of Kensal Rise. We seriously fear for her health and wellbeing.”

Personally, I would have been more worried about Lily Allen’s health had she not enjoyed the bacchanal. It is the one time of year Londoners are given free rein to collectively free themselves of the rigid keep-on-the-left-hand-side-of-the-escalator social norms that hold the city together. “J’ouvert”, the name given to the opening event of the Carnival, is a perfect example of this, as groups of dancers have flour, paint, and gross viscous chocolate sauce thrown over them. Even the police offers have been known to be possessed by the spirit of Soca, although part of me does think this might be a London Metropolitan Police public relations operation.

Rather than policing the behaviour of a woman enjoying herself in the sunshine, we should celebrate Lily Allen. Here is a woman who has not let being a mum get in the way of having fun. Lily Allen, you are my motherhood goals. And the rest of Twitter agrees: “@lilyallen all of us need a blow out at some point, mother or not” and “@lilyallen yes you're a mum but you're also an individual. You're allowed to let loose. Your kids were safe elsewhere. Bloody bullies” were among the positive comments left after tabloids descended upon her rare moment of carefree partying with shouts of judgement and faux-concern.

Sure, I bet Allen’s feeling a bit rough today (aren’t we all?) but I am sure she feels all the better for partying with her partner and friends. What does make women sick, however, is the constant policing of our behaviour. So, if you really care about us as much as you profess to, put the zoom lens down. The real issue here isn’t one young mother having a good time while her kids are safely looked after elsewhere.