Selfish monarchists need to give the Queen a break – she's 90 for God's sake

Elizabeth's fans insist its vital that she continues to ‘serve’ - yet their adamant her appointment by heredity isn’t anti-democratic because the monarchy doesn't matter

It would be hard to argue she’s worked her way up to Queen, having started in the office as a humble princess (Getty Images)

Why do so many people despise the Queen? The poor woman’s 90 but these selfish monarchist pigs insist on making her traipse all over Windsor so they can wave their plastic flags at her, and give interviews to foreign TV reporters saying: “I’ve been saving up for nine years for the coach fare from Derby to be here today, and still didn’t have enough. I had to go on the game all weekend, but it was worth it because I got a photo of the top corner of her hat.”

Then she has to listen to her Prime Minister telling us how extraordinary she is for managing to be head of state in 32 countries. If this is true, she should join a union or appeal to the European Court of Human Rights. Having to run 32 countries at that age is a national disgrace. Now she’s 90, she should at least have India and Australia taken off her.

Constitutional experts may point out the role of head of state is only ceremonial, but it must be exhausting being on stamps all day. It makes you realise how remarkable Charles Darwin is, who manages to be on £10 notes 100 years after he died.

There was a wonderful radio broadcast yesterday, in which we heard 21 gun salutes from a series of towns. This is the sort of ritual that makes you proud to be British, and thankful you’re not from the sort of disrespectful nation that only fires a canon 18 or 19 times on their leader’s birthday.

And throughout it all, Her Majesty must be thinking: "Oh for Christ’s sake, can’t I just have a cream tea and a check-up for gallstones like normal people when they turn 90."

But this was only the start. Several reporters informed us she’s a “fine impressionist”, though protocol dictates we’re never told who she does. It’s probably Lady Gaga, and she wanted to film a spoof version of the Pokerface video for Comic Relief, but didn’t have time as she had to launch a ship in Cornwall.

The Daily Mail interviewed a canine psychologist who worked at the palace, and he assured us she has a “magical command of dogs”.

He’s probably not allowed to say, but I think he means she can talk to them. Some years, when she’s really busy because it took her longer than expected to sort out Pakistan’s economy, the corgis have helped write her Christmas speech. In these years the address contains more references to rutting against the mahogany table legs in the drawing room than normal, but apart from that you’d never know the difference.

But surely it isn’t just dogs, and she has an equally magical command of tadpoles. At least one newspaper will report sightings of them swimming in formation to form the shape of a crown and spelling ‘happy birthday ma’am’, and Nicholas Witchell will be sent to interview them, saying ‘one thing’s for certain. These are the happiest pond creatures I’ve ever seen, and there can be no doubt this wonderful occasion has rubbed off on these, the most slithery of Her Majesty’s subjects’.

One politician after another made speeches such as, “I was fortunate enough to meet Her Majesty in the summer of 1988, and so radiantly glorious was her enlightened majestic omnipotent succulent astronomical vivacious presence that I literally turned inside-out with joy. It was only due to her unsurpassed medical skills that she was able to pop my liver and kidney back round the right way, and for that I shall be forever grateful to this remarkable lady”.

By then the sort of people who review the papers on news channels at one in the morning were telling us: “Some people may not know, but Her Majesty is a highly accomplished boxer. She was due to fight Floyd Mayweather for the light-middleweight world title, but had to cancel it as she was needed to run Barbados instead”.

By tomorrow, news reports will tell us: “Several academic figures are now suggesting that, despite the previous claims of geologists, the Earth is only 90 years old, and was created by the Queen". Then a columnist from The Spectator will argue that we should replace the moon with the Queen, as she has such a sense of duty she’ll be far more reliable at arranging our tides.

She’s “never put a foot wrong”, the monarchists insist, and she has indeed turned up to all the things she’s been asked to, and not once spoilt things the way most of us would have done, by calling the Archbishop of Canterbury a twat during a state funeral, or sneaking away from Balmoral to join Isis.

But she must be driven wild by monarchists. They insist it’s vital she continues to ‘serve’, but are adamant it isn’t anti-democratic because none of it matters. How does that make her feel, waving and wearing hats and shaking hands every day at 90 and it doesn’t even make any difference.

They declare she’s marvellous, but it’s not her they love, it’s the monarchy. They love her because she was born. They try to make out she’s wonderful, as if she’s there on merit, but it would be hard to argue she’s worked her way up to Queen, having started in the office as a humble princess.

Maybe if you want to respect Her Majesty, it’s best to become a Republican, so she can spend her 91st birthday with dignity, watching a box set of Inspector Morse and getting off her head on apricot brandy.