Unidentified Festive Objects

THE AFTER-Christmas period is a time when we take jerseys back to be exchanged and non- functioning toys to be rectified. A time when we write and say thank you for things we didn't want in the first place, to people who may or may not have given them to us. A time when we keep sitting on pine needles in the most unlikely places. But a time, above all, when we keep finding unidentifiable objects that were obviously part of a Christmas gift - but which part? And which present?

Many of you have kindly written to this column enclosing your own particular mystery objects to be identified. I, unfortunately, am still far too busy watching the TV programmes that I taped at Christmas to be able to help, so I have called on Bob Ponsonby, of the Present Identification Bureau, to help me out. All yours, Bob.

To J G, of Leeds. The four little green balls you sent me do not belong to any known game. In fact, they do not belong to a game at all. They are bubble bath globes, almost certainly pine flavour.

Paula, of Whitby - thank you for the Centurion tank. It had indeed been wrongly assembled, though I am not inclined to blame the factory, as the back axle pin turns out to be a small plastic pirate cutlass, probably inserted in the tank on your premises by a small boy. Do you have a small boy? Question him closely. Apply small plastic cutlasses to him to get an answer, if necessary.

D T, of Sussex. The instruction booklet you sent me, written entirely in Japanese, does not, as you surmise, contain the rules of any Nintendo game. It turns out to be the instruction booklet for a large washing machine of a type that has not been manufactured since 1987. Unless someone gave you a second- hand washing machine for Christmas, I would assume that you have had this around the house longer than you think.

Geoff, of Bradford. The large triangular plastic flap you enclose is either the tailpiece of a Space Ranger Scout Blaster or the stable door flap of a My Lovely Horsey Kit No 3. (They are both made in the same Taiwanese factory, and many parts are interchangeable.)

N G U, of London W23. No, it is not, as you hope, a precious mineral paperweight. It is not even, as you suspect, a cheap plastic paperweight. It is, in fact, a shrivelled apple that must have been in your cellar for at least two years.

Tom, of Cardiff - no, there is no point keeping it. I am afraid it is only the ordinary wadding used by packers of hampers and delicatessen baskets, which they put under the display produce to make the hamper or basket look twice as full as it really is.

Gwen, Watford. The small shiny object you sent me is not the eye of a doll, a microchip, or a bit of decoration from Superman's cape. It is a small diamond worth about pounds 40,000. Check your ear-rings, etc.

K L. No wonder you cannot fire it from your new ray gun. It is a coffee bean.

R F T, of Cheltenham - what you have here is the little metal bit that goes in the top of the unscrewable cap of your new Magilux pocket torch to ensure that the connection which contacts with the end battery is kept safely away from the casing. There are two things you need to know about this piece. One, the torch cannot work without it. Two, nobody has ever been known to get it back in again.

Jim, of Doncaster. It is only a contact lens.

K W, of Liverpool. What you have sent me is an Aston Villa shirt for a plastic footballer about two inches high. If you have got no plastic footballers about two inches high, I cannot explain how you came to have it, unless it is a full-size football shirt that has shrunk in the wash.

L H, of Sheffield - you must try to remember who gave you this packet of white powder, as it is not that stuff you put in flower vases to keep the flowers going longer, nor is it a kiddy cake mix - it is in fact cocaine with a street value of about pounds 14,000. I have consulted the police about this, and they suggest that you hang on to it for a while, and let them know the name of anyone who asks for it back.

P R, of Kent. The strange white object you sent me was not a plastic flange from any spaceship kit that we have ever seen here at the Present Identification Bureau. It finally turned out to be, as I suspect you well knew, the shoulder blade of a young turkey. Nice try, though]