Woman defended after refusing to host future sister-in-law’s bridal shower

‘It’s baffling to me the weird entitlement that seems to come over people when they get engaged’

Amber Raiken
New York
Thursday 18 April 2024 20:22 BST
Related: The Most Opulent Bridal Gown at New York Bridal Week

A woman has been defended after she refused to throw a bridal shower for her brother’s fiancée.

In a recent post shared to the popular “Am I The A**hole?” Reddit forum, the woman explained that her brother, Jay, and his partner, Debbie, are getting married this summer. Although she and her sister, Christina, were both asked to be bridesmaids in the wedding, they turned the request down due to their schedules.

Despite the fact that the woman and her sister aren’t part of the bridal party, Debbie still reached out to them and “demanded” they throw a bridal shower. In the post, the woman then explained why the bride wanted them to throw the party, which the groom’s sisters didn’t agree to do.

“Her reasoning was that it was the least we could do after we said no to being bridesmaids and didn’t have any costs and hadn’t contributed to the wedding yet,” the Reddit user wrote. “I told Christina I would handle it since she is very conflict averse, and I sent Debbie back a polite text saying we will not be planning, hosting, or attending any such shower.”

She said that while Debbie got “very angry” at her future siblings-in-law for not hosting the shower, the future bride also “implied that she would try to uninvite [the two women] from the wedding”.

The Reddit poster went on to acknowledge that it’s usually the bride’s maid-of-honour who’s responsible for planning this party, so she didn’t understand why she and her sister were asked to host the event.

She then shared that her brother got involved, as he asked his sisters to “reconsider” and even offered to pay for the bridal shower, while just pretending that they were the ones who did so. Although the woman said no to this idea, their brother is still being pressured by Debbie to “react” to the situation “in some way”.

The woman went on to describe how there’s now “a fair bit of drama” in the family, with multiple people being upset at Jay.

“Jay’s mother (not my mother) has used this as an excuse to lay into him about Debbie, whom she dislikes,” she continued. “Jay’s dad and best man are giving him sh** for letting her treat us this way, and Jay is digging his heels in because he feels like we’re all ganging up on him.”

She then added that her brother has now accused her of “pretty much ruining the wedding planning experience,” and that he thinks “he won’t end up with a lot of family [at the nuptials] if this goes on”.

In an edit to the post, she specified that she “has a start up to run and construction of a house to oversee” and that Christina’s a “full time student in a different city,” which is why they said no to being bridesmaids. After noting that they didn’t have time for the responsibilities that come with being in a wedding, she shared more details about why Christina said no.

“Christina has a significant age gap with Debbie and she is a shy person, she wouldn’t have wanted to do it without me since she doesn’t know anyone else,” she wrote.

The woman shared her personal reasons why she’s not in the wedding, adding: “I don’t have the bandwidth and even if I did, being a bridesmaid isn’t fun unless you’re close with the bride.”

However, the “overwhelming reason” why she and Christina said no is because they “couldn’t dedicate time to it and thought it was best to leave the position for people who wanted it and would have felt honoured”.

The Reddit post has quickly gone viral, with more than 3,400 upvotes. In the comments, multiple people came to the woman’s defence, noting that it seemed strange that the bride was asking her to throw the shower. They also criticised Debbie for demanding a party from her future sisters-in-law.

“Seems totally weird that having refused to be bridesmaids she would ask you that especially since that’s the MOHs or another close friend’s job normally,” one wrote. “My book she is looking to cause drama by doing this knowing you’d refuse and looking for an excuse to uninvite you from the wedding... strange power play by her.”

“I’m shocked that a woman whose behaviour has caused such strong feelings amongst her fiancé’s family, doesn’t have close friends of her own tripping over themselves to throw her a shower,” another added.

“Aren’t bridesmaids the ones who typically throw the bridal showers? Or do they only do the bachelorette party?” a third wrote. “She can throw her own damn party. It’s baffling to me the weird entitlement that seems to come over people when they get engaged.”

Other people praised the woman for why she said no to being in the wedding, while once again criticising the bride for asking her future siblings-in-law to pay for wedding-related events.

“This is refreshing,” one wrote. “You declined both requests for legit reasons, and stood by it. You’re not freaked out or hateful on the bride (who sounds like a bit of AH) - you’ve simply stated neither you nor your sister will be doing bridesmaid or shower. Modelling boundaries here people - pay attention!!”

“When did people start demanding people pay for their wedding? It was always between the couple and their parents? Maybe grandparents. My family isn’t that great and even we didn’t act like this,” a second wrote. “Where does all this entitlement come from? And no, I’m not an old Gen X blaming the youth. I’m seeing this in older couples too.”

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