The Mother’s Day worst gifts list – how many did you receive (or send?)

It’s the thought that counts, right? Not really, not if you have woken up to find one of these abominations on your breakfast tray, writes Lucy Sweet. Sorry kids...

Julia Sawalha (left) and Jennifer Saunders in ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ (Getty)

What makes a good Mother’s Day gift? While children across the country prepare burnt toast and a bunch of unopened daffodils from Tesco that look like spring onions, as usual, we’ll smile and be grateful. After all, it’s the thought that counts, right?

Well, not really. Not when you think about it. Mother’s Day is such paltry remuneration for 18-plus years of unpaid labour that you’d be forgiven for wondering whether anybody is thinking about you at all. It is a tediously regimented, tightly controlled celebration where rules seem to stipulate that indulgence should not go on for any longer than is strictly necessary.

It often feels as if we’ve all suddenly become 85 years old and need to get back to the care home before sundown, but we all know that it happens because our family starts to panic if they see us take more than an hour or two off in case everything implodes.

According to a recent study, nearly half of working-age women are providing an average of 45 hours of unpaid care every week, while 25 per cent of men provide 17 hours. According to another poll, the most time-consuming task parents face each week is preparing, cooking and serving family meals and drinks – which takes up to 29 hours alone. If combined into one role and placed on a job site, it would command a total salary of £70,768 a year.

And what do we get for all this selfless dedication and hard work? For many women, it is reduced to a scrawled card and a mug from B&M with “BEST MUM EVER” written on it – and the “fun” is usually all over by 10am. And when you consider that mothers are still responsible for overseeing the management of seven out of 10 household tasks, which include gift giving, there’s every chance that many mums will have to oversee the purchase of said mug and find the wrapping paper needed for it too.

It’s not like we don’t love receiving presents from our children. Even the most haphazard message, lolly stick sculpture or cheap present can become a precious object to be treasured forever. But as the years go by, it becomes increasingly obvious that children are terrible at choosing gifts and that is often because of the terrible choices available.

So what makes a good Mother’s Day gift? Oh, I don’t know. Time? Space? Someone to work out what’s for dinner next Thursday? Three weeks in the Seychelles?

Instead, though, we’ll probably get one of these, and be forced into doing another good job about being happy about it.

(M&S)

Mum in a Million rose plant, M&S, £28

This is an impressive gift, isn’t it? A hessian bag full of sticks which may – if you plant it in exactly the right spot, make sure it doesn’t get eaten by pests, water it, feed it and wait 365 long days –become a rose bush that you’ll have to prune and deadhead every year until you DIE. Enjoy your big burlap sack of toil!

(Temu)

Chopping board, Temu, £5.72

Not in the mood for a bag of sticks? How about an insulting piece of wood implying that you should do all the cooking? In fact, do it now, you lazy loaf! It even has a picture of a rolling pin to further seal your status as kitchen lackey. It’s a heartfelt message, though. You see, the thing is, everything’s better when you do it, mum, because it means we don’t have to. And nobody is better at getting the marks off the toilet. And fishing that dead badger out of the septic tank. And after that can you paint the skirting boards and make some sandwiches?

(B&M)

Bluey Mother’s Day diary pack, B&M, £4

Why would an adult want this when they could have a bottle of champagne and a spa break? Surely even the youngest and most credulous of children understand that grown-ups do grown-up things, like crying at the kitchen table and hiding from the bailiffs. They do not want some lemonade and a notebook with a cartoon dog on it, just like they wouldn’t want to go to work wearing a pair of Pull-Ups and clutching a bottle of Aptamil. If I got this for Mother’s Day, I’d make a note in that book, for sure. And it would say “Get me something better”.

(Printerval)

Personalised mother and daughter on the moon, Printerval, £10.95

If you want to know which one the mum is, she’s the grey, sad, invisible woman in the middle, surrounded by her Trumpian daughters, who look like they get their hair cut at home by a woman called Brandi. Why is this so deeply weird? Is it the fact that they look like a drawing in a Jehovah’s Witness leaflet?

Mother’s Day Gonks, Amazon, £15.99

Being a mother is a complex and multilayered experience. You never know if you’re getting it right, but you are driven by your abiding love and devotion to this person because you gestated them for nine months in your own body. However, if your child gets you one of these for Mother’s Day, it’s perfectly fine to admit defeat and phone social services. Everyone has their limits.

(Tesco)

Me to You prosecco gift set, Tesco, £10

This is a prosecco drinking kit which is guaranteed to send any mother into a boiling rage. Despite trying to charm you with sickly Hallmark sentiments about how wonderful and amazing you are, there isn’t actually a bottle of prosecco in sight. It’s enough to make you change the locks.

(Party Delights)

Socks, Party Delights, £1.13

And finally, the frighteningly cheap socks are proof that on Mother’s Day – just like every other day – punctuation matters.

Find more of Lucy’s work at her Substack here