11 things you’ll understand if you’re a consistent plant killer

It’s not your fault you can’t keep anything alive.

Prudence Wade
Saturday 15 May 2021 07:30 BST
Set of indoor plants in pots. Illustration
Set of indoor plants in pots. Illustration

You can’t argue with indoor plants. They brighten up any room, make the air feel fresher, and can even have a calming effect on your mood.

And yet, not everyone quite has the knack for taking care of succulents and spider plants. Perhaps some people – not for lack of trying – just weren’t cut out to be a plant parent.

If you’re also the plant version of the Grim Reaper you might relate to some of these thoughts…

1. Getting a new plant fills you with both joy and dread… Sure, it’s beautiful – but how long will it last?

2. You spend hours Googling each new variety… By now, you’ve memorised how much water/sunlight/care/love each plant needs – if you’re feeling particularly extra, you’ll even draw up a watering timetable.

3. But even this can’t save you… After a certain point, the leaves start drooping and everything starts to look a bit sad.

4. You try your best to diagnose the problem… You’ve checked every website – maybe it’s overwatered? Maybe it’s catching a breeze? This is when you start making frantic adjustments.

5. And you’ve really tried everything Including singing to your plants, because you read somewhere they respond positively to music.

6. But let’s face it: your plant doesn’t have very long… Sigh. You tried your best, but once again your inner plant killer has reigned supreme.

7. It doesn’t deter you… Of course, you continue to buy colourful and leafy new plants for your house – maybe next time will be different?

8. Your friends find it hilarious… Especially when they catch a glimpse of your latest deceased plant in the background on FaceTime or Zoom.

9. You hold on for far too long… In vain hope the plant will come back to life, but there comes a point where you just have to get rid of it.

10. Plants might be uplifting… But dead plants with no leaves certainly are not.

11. At some point you have to come to terms with the harsh reality… Maybe you’re better off with fake plants. After all, they’re pretty realistic nowadays – and surely even you would struggle to kill them?

Thank you for registering

Please refresh the page or navigate to another page on the site to be automatically logged inPlease refresh your browser to be logged in