The alternative royal wedding - live: UK gripped by excitement as tree identification walk begins

Follow all the thrilling developments, as they happen, with no added sycophantic fawning

(AP)

And so a momentous day draws to a close.

On Saturday May 19 2018 a tree identification walk was held in north London, and locomotive 7820 charmed everyone who saw her looking so radiant in her beautiful British Railways livery.

This was the day when the people of Britain got to enjoy American Dream followed by WTF (3.9 per cent alcohol by volume, at the Gloucestershire Warwickshire Spring Steam and Real Ale Weekend).

And apparently two people got married.

At considerable cost, to possible public indifference and definite media hysteria.

Relive all the excitement here, if you can bear to:

Key Points

• Tree identification walk takes place in Highgate Wood, London
• Tokyo SexWail to play Deptford Cinema in a festival of punk movies celebrating 'filmmaking resistance to the monarchy'
• Football match due to kick off in north London 
• Lots of other life-affirming events happening all over UK
• And young couple are married in Windsor at considerable public cost

[19 May 2018 13:39 · adam.lusher]

As TV news anchors make constant reference to the progress that this “wonderful multi-racial wedding” represents, this news breaks (quietly): Homeless Windrush man arrested after being invited to Home Office citizenship meeting.

Meanwhile TV news discusses the minutiae of the "soft and natural" fabric of the dress.

[19 May 2018 14:10 · adam.lusher]

And so they’re off to their private wedding reception hosted by the Queen.

But let’s not worry about not being invited.  There’s plenty of thrilling details for us to chew over.

Although don’t let daylight in upon the magic: there are some things we shouldn’t be told

We are allowed to know that the happy couple sampled menu suggestions in Windsor Castle’s Great Kitchen, which dates from the reign of the 14th century monarch Edward III. 

But Royal Chef Mark Flanagan refused to tell the Press Association which vegetables would feature, offering only the cryptic comment that “'All the British vegetables are just coming into season…”

We can only imagine the fevered vegetable-based speculation that this sparked, as throughout the land, the Queen’s loyal subjects discussed whether Harry and Meghan would plump for asparagus, or peas – both of which, the Press Association explained, are currently in season.

We have, though, been told that the royal couple will be serving canapés made to be consumed in two bites – said information being conveyed by the Daily Mail as “Each morsel has been crafted to be consumed in just two delicate bites”.

And thousands of words have been written about the fact that the royal couple will be serving what must now be referred to as “trendy bowl food”, which can be eaten standing up, allowing everyone to mingle as they munch.

They may be royalty, we have learned, but Harry and Meghan didn’t want a stilted, fussy wedding.

What daring iconoclasts they are.

With these two-bite canapés and bowl food, they spoil those who were invited to the wedding breakfast – though not the plebs they invited to hang around the castle grounds.

[19 May 2018 14:23 · adam.lusher]

The perils of royal wedding vox pops, part 2

Let's go with Sky News to a street party in Nottinghamshire and chat with Janet the organiser.

"People have been dashing in to their tellies, just to get a glimpse of what's going on in Windsor.  What have you made of it?"

"I'm not interested in the one at Windsor...."

"Do you feel connected to the royal family?  How much interest would you say there is, genuinely?"

"Genuinely, from my point of view?  None at all with me.  None at all ... And I don't think the marriage will last anyway."

[19 May 2018 14:36 · adam.lusher]

OK, so Janet may say the wrong things, but Sky News has told us that street parties are being held all over Britain.

Although we weren't told how many street parties were being held.

Which is odd, because the figures from all over Britain seem quite interesting.

Judging by the number of road closure applications received by the county council, Kent is holding 14 street parties, compared to 182 when Kate and William got married in 2011.  That’s a drop of 92 per cent. 

And what about Hertfordshire, “street party capital” of the UK?  Down 83 per cent, from 298 celebrations for Kate and William in 2011, to 51 for Meghan and Harry in 2018.

Still, at least Glasgow is bucking the trend of decline.  Its numbers are rock steady: zero street parties in 2011 and none today.

[19 May 2018 14:42 · adam.lusher]

At least they are having a cheery get together in Deptford, south London.

That would be the Deptford Cinema Does The Royal Wedding festival – celebrating filmmaking resistance to the monarchy.  

The cinema there is entirely volunteer run community project, set up in 2015 when people in Lewisham decided to do something about the fact that there wasn’t a single venue showing films in the entire south London borough.

Which means, says festival organiser Laura Davis, 22, that in this part of the South East at least no one expects to be treated like royalty.

“This is what cinema should be like,” she says, “Not people marketing in offices hidden from the people out front selling popcorn.

“What’s beautiful about it is that anyone organising an event here has to do everything, from contacting the film distributors, to painting the posters, to cleaning the toilets.”  

The English Literature student added: “We’re not trying to be anti-monarchist, so much as alternative – an alternative to the onslaught of the BBC, where everything you see will be about the Royal Wedding.

“For me it’s an excuse to show the Battleship Potemkin, the most incendiary silent film ever.  It was also a stroke of luck that this was the 40th anniversary year of the film Jubilee, which has just had a new restoration.

“It should be fun.  If it turns into some sort of alternative street party with punk music, that would be kind of cool.”

[19 May 2018 15:11 · adam.lusher]

And so it seems it’s all over, bar the first private reception, followed by the second private reception.

And more analysis of the dress and the show-stealing American bishop.

Before the 126-page Sunday newspaper supplements come out.

So no, it’s not over at all.  In fact there is a terrifying suspicion that it might never end.

But we’re getting out while we can, and handing over to the band. 

We did ask, but no, they’re not signing off with God Save The Queen – because they don’t do covers, not even of the Sex Pistols version.

But they are finishing this evening’s set at the Deptford Cinema Does the Royal Wedding festival with a track of their own: Vox Populi. 

Perhaps that’s appropriate.

Take it away Tokyo SexWail.