Election results: Were you still still up when Ed Balls, Vince Cable and Jim Murphy lost?

Not since 1997 have big beasts of politics been slaughtered on such a scale

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls lost his seat in Morley and Outwood (Matt Cardy | Getty Images)

Ed Balls

Balls was Labour's highest-profile casualty (Reuters)

There is an art to being publicly decapitated, and Labour’s old bruiser gave an impressive demonstration of it. If the man who began the night dreaming of becoming Chancellor was battling the temptation to try the “quite simply the numbers don’t add up” line, it didn’t show – even though there had been a recount.

Balls actually thanked the returning officer, and the counting staff. He thanked the other candidates. He paid especial tribute to his victorious Conservative opponent.

It was all starting to sound a bit Oscars’ night, but then battling Ed rallied. “We will now face five years of questions,” he said. He’s going to be fine. After all, his wife, Yvette Cooper, held on to her seat. And the way things are looking for Labour right now, she could be party leader soon. He won’t be jealous. Will he?

Vince Cable

Vince Cable, the Lib Dem Business Secretary, lost his seat in Twickenham (Getty)

Tension etched on his face, he peered over the returning officer’s shoulders at the numbers. This hurt.

His Conservative opponent Tania Mathias paid an emotional tribute to “an amazing local MP, an amazing feat of public service.”

The only thing missing from the retirement tribute was the gold watch. He may be 71, but the ex-MP for Twickenham didn’t seem to like it.

Blaming a Tory campaign “based on people’s fear of a Labour government and the Scottish nationalists,” he said: “Unfortunately this has been a terrible night for our party.”

Douglas Alexander

Many thought Alexander could be the next Foreign Secretary (PA)

One minute you are masterminding Labour’s election strategy and dreaming of being the next Foreign Secretary. The next you have lost your Paisley and Renfrewshire South seat to a 20-year-old student who has yet to sit her final politics exam.

Douglas Alexander took it better than many would have done: a polite glance towards the victor, dignified words about regaining the trust of the Scottish people.

And then, perhaps, back home to contemplate what might have happened if it hadn’t have been for that meddling kid.

Jim Murphy

The leader of the Scottish Labour Party, Jim Murphy, lost his Renfrewshire East seat (Getty) (Getty Images)

Possibly Labour’s most heckled man after gruelling encounters on the stump in the referendum and election campaigns, he was at least heard out in respectful silence at the East Renfrewshire count.

He exuded quiet dignity. “The fight goes on, and our cause continues,” he insisted. “The fightback starts tomorrow morning.” And at the end of it, he even managed a grin. Was he actually enjoying this? For a moment you wondered whether a secret part of him had even been looking forward to it. You suffer a lot less heckling when you are an ex-MP.

Simon Hughes

Hughes had held Bermondsey and Old Southwark from 1983 to 2015 (Getty) (Getty Images)

Listening to his Labour opponent’s victory speech, Simon Hughes looked like a man fighting the hardest of battles to stop the sorrow welling within him from bursting out.

It made his own speech, about Liberalism’s proud legacy in Bermondsey, seem like something between therapy and catharsis.

“Liberalism is not ashamed,” he said. “Liberalism will go on making the argument for freedom, whatever the political mix of the government the day after tomorrow.”

Surely he’ll get over this, won’t he?

Esther McVey

McVey lost to Labour's Margaret Greenwood by just 417 votes (Getty)

A polished mixture of Scouse defiance and telegenic charm from the one-time inhabitant of the GMTV sofa – despite this Conservative bucking the national trend and losing to Labour in Wirral West.

She had lost to Margaret Greenwood by an agonisingly narrow margin of just 417 votes, but was she downhearted?

“I believe in politics,” she smiled.

“You ain’t seen the last of me yet.

“I am going to pick myself back up, dust myself down, and I’m going back out there to become an MP.”

Or perhaps she’ll go back on ITV’s Loose Women, where, in happier days, she once admitted she would like to be PM.

George Galloway

Galloway has suggested he may now run for Mayor of London (Getty) (Getty Images)

He’s not paranoid you know. They really were out to get him. So there was no need to overdo the grace in defeat.

“I don’t begrudge the Labour members their moment of celebration,” he said, begrudgingly. He didn’t bother trying to be polite about the others. “The venal, and the vile,” he intoned, “The racists and the Zionists will all be celebrating.”

Utterly deadpan, channelling the spirit of Eric Cantona, George informed the watching world: “The hyena can bounce on the lion’s grave, but it can never be a lion. And in any case, I’m not in my grave. I’m going off now to plan the next campaign.” Surely every election needs a one-time Celebrity Big Brother cat impersonator telling us about hyenas.

Nigel Farage

OK, so he came close to being upstaged by a professional comedian – Al Murray aka the Pub Landlord, had also lost in South Thanet.

But as he lost his fight to become an MP and resigned his Ukip leadership, Nigel Farage did manage to get in a few gags.

He began by railing against the editors of the The Sun and the Daily Mail, sarcastically calling them “geniuses”.

But perhaps bearing the last election in mind, when he was in intensive care following an air crash, he said after the result that he felt “pretty good”.

“Never felt happier,” in fact. A weight lifted off the old shoulders. Quite right too, old boy. More time for the saloon bar and a pint, or five.

Danny Alexander

Alexander was one of many Lib Dem casualties (Getty) (AFP/Getty Images)

When you have just gone from Chief Secretary to the Treasury to jobless ex-MP, it probably helps to have a self-deprecating sense of humour.

So The Independent is pleased to report that throughout this election campaign, Danny Alexander’s Inverness campaign office was adorned with a poster for Ginger Rodent beer, in jocular homage to an opponent’s insult.

Danny’s cracking sense of humour, alas, did not appear at the count. Mr Alexander glanced at the floor, in defendant-hearing-guilty-verdict mode, as he appeared on stage to be told his fate.

Despite being one of the Coalition ministers who worked best with the Conservatives, he criticised the “hugely divisive” Tory campaign run by David Cameron.

He managed gracious references to his victorious opponent and the honour of serving the Highlands. Perhaps the laughter will come later. A lot later.

David Laws

Laws was beaten by a margin of over 5,000 votes (Getty) (AFP/Getty Images)

He was a minister on the national stage, a successor to the sainted Paddy Ashdown in the constituency.

And still David Laws lost.

But he has experience of coming back from a fall, after resigning from the Cabinet following a spot of expenses bother in 2010.

He said it had been “a tough night”. He didn’t talk about treating the twin imposters of Triumph and Disaster just the same. He didn’t need to.

This was textbook stiff upper-lip stuff.

If Portillo had been up for it, he would have been impressed.