The 10 shoddy holiday behaviours that should be banned – but aren’t

As some European hotspots have banned walking barefoot, swimwear and drinking booze in the streets, Shane Watson considers some of the tourist crimes they have missed out…

This may go down in history as the summer of tourist hate. We’ve had the residents of Soller and the Venetians waving placards saying “tourists go home”, and now the Spanish authorities have banned visitors from walking barefoot, having picnics and drinking booze in the street.

Are they mad? Is that all? It’s taken them this long to crack (by some miracle) and now they’re focusing on getting people to wear flip flops? This new so-called crackdown doesn’t even scratch the surface of offences (mostly British) tourists commit without even thinking about it.

Fortunately, some of us have been keeping a mental list of things that should be banned on holiday for a while. This is the short version.

1. Shoddy shorts behaviour

Never mind bare feet, what about bum cracks on show and buttock cheeks lolling out of the bottom of teeny tiny cut-off shorts?

Also, just as offensive, are those board shorts that double as swimming trunks for use in your hotel pool, when you know the owner travelled in them, lives in them, sleeps in them, and will be back on easyJet wearing them damp from a night stretched out on the edge of the fountain in the piazza.

2. General unpreparedness

This is a broad umbrella offence encompassing the following standard tourist offences: getting third degree burns from the sun because you fell asleep on a lilo while wearing a litre of baby oil; getting swept out to sea on a lilo because you have no concept of tide; getting four negronis and a bottle of cava drunk and having to be transported home in a luggage cart; going for a walk in 40C wearing flip flops and a vest.

Going somewhere popular? You’ll have to fend off hundreds of other tourists (Getty/iStock)

3. Instruction blindness

Aka ignoring all the signs saying treacherous paths and turn back now etc. British tourists seem to suffer from instruction blindness more than others – we always know better, bring on the skull and cross bones (we’re not phased) and if we end up lodged in a cactus at the bottom of a ravine it will make a cracking story in the pub back home.

4. Insisting on taking out a boat

Even when you are not confident riding a bicycle and have zero idea about wind direction or what you do with an anchor. But there you are heading off-grid without any bottled water. You do you.

5. Assuming there will always be somewhere open...

...the way Tesco and Sainsbury’s are always open in the UK, and then discovering that it really is not possible to find petrol or flip flops anywhere in the south of France at 1pm and especially on Sunday.

6. Booze in the street

Yes, very boring if there’s a drunk crowd under your pensione window all night – but what about the music blasting out of their portable speaker thingy?

British tourists walk along Levante promenade in Benidorm, Spain, in 2023 (Getty)

The sound on those things is an outdoor concert for 65,000 people-type quality. Unbelievable. And is urinating in public on the banned list? Because we all know where there’s a lot of booze going down, and you’re outdoors, you’re only ever half an hour away from deciding it’s OK to relieve yourself in an alleyway/restaurant doorway plant pot/behind the bins.

7. Pool PDA

Kissing/making out in the shallows. Has anyone ever thought “Ah, look how in love that sweet couple are?” when witnessing Geoff bouncing Jill on his knee (we think) in the shallow end? No, they have not. We all want it to stop and go away so we can get back to reading our holiday book.

8. Very loud talking/facetiming around the pool

Some of us have asked people (one having a conversation from the shallow end with her friend on the sun lounger near the deep end) to please keep it down, and it doesn’t always go well. Legislation along the lines of “respect that not everyone wants to hear what you did last night” would do the trick. As for facetiming, they need to just ban it outright in hotels and restaurants. It’s horribly invasive at home, but factor in the disinhibition tourists suffer from, and you’re in a fresh hell situation.

Spanish residents are taking things into their own hands to deal with badly behaved tourists (AFP/Getty)

9. Assuming the locals are deaf

There should be a ban on people who insist on talking in their own language and simply raise their voices and pointing if it doesn’t get the message across. If they refuse, that’s money for local interpreters/guides; if they use Google Translate, that’ll keep them busy and stop them patronising the locals, and if they pick up some useful phrases, it’s so much the better for everyone.

10. Sightmobbing

Not sightseeing because who’s looking, really? Mostly, they’re reversing into priceless artworks while trying to get comedy pictures. So, no groups over 10. No cameras. No selfie sticks. No selfies. Aren’t we already feeling more like braving the Uffizi?

What are your holiday icks? Tell us below...