How do I stick to my new year’s resolutions without feeling like a failure?

The Independent’s agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help. Email dearvix@independent.co.uk for advice on love, work, family and relationships

Dear Vix,

Every year, I make a whole massive list of new year’s resolutions that go something like this: Get fit, lose weight, be more sociable, find a girlfriend, be more cheerful, watch less TV and spend less time worrying about being unhappy. And every single year, I fail!

I will start off right: I’ll buy new trainers and force myself out for a jog on 1 January, but by the time I’ve sweated and panted around a couple of kilometres I feel absolutely terrible. So, I give up and trudge home feeling worse about myself than before. And when I get home, I eat sweet things to cheer myself up for failing so miserably to stick to the exercise – then beat myself up for eating crap!

Honestly, it feels like a self-perpetuating cycle and I need it to work this year. Or nothing will ever change and I might as well give up before I’ve even begun.

How do you do it? How can I do it? I already feel like a failure and 2026 hasn’t even started!

Useless Guy

Dear Useless Guy,

Boy, do I empathise. I am guilty of being exactly like you and making HUGE, sweeping resolutions that I can’t possibly stick to, because they are so nebulous and wafty and grand: things like, “get fit”, “be a better parent”, “be a better friend”, “stop scrolling as much” and “be more productive”. The trouble with giant, well-intentioned goals like that is: they’re impossible to define, let alone stick to.

So, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to make everything smaller. Shrink them. Make them more tangible, easier to define and better to spot. I’m going to create my own limits – and I suggest you do too. A really small example of this (if applicable) would be a resolution to stop putting sugar in your cup of tea. That’s a great way to cut down on calories, sweetness and your taste buds will soon adapt. I will try this for 2026 if you will?

When it comes to exercise, I don’t think you should immediately brand yourself a “runner” and attempt to live up to the Lycra-clad hordes we see pounding the streets without seeming to break a sweat: what I do think is that you should aim to move more. To get outside, every single day. If you’re feeling able to jog, or fancy trying it, then go for it! But walking gives us similar benefits to running, with less impact and less stress – so the likelihood is, if you aim to walk at a brisk pace, you’ll be able to last much longer than setting yourself the target of an immediate, unpleasant run.

My guess is that if you start off aiming for a good healthy walk every day, you will easily be able to switch that to a gentle run in time. The important thing to avoid burning out and feeling like you’ve failed is to set yourself realistic targets. A friend of mine, Jack, swore by the “Couch to 5K” app – he’s now running half-marathons. And I really do think the lure of something like a couch to 5k is the fact that you do it gently. You don’t put crazy pressure on yourself to be able to pull on a pair of trainers and belt it round the local park, after not having done any excercise since sports day in 1999 (ahem, talking about myself, here). You start off slowly and realistically. And you will surprise yourself – I guarantee it.

With that in mind, though, it’s important not only to set realistic targets but a realistic timeframe, too. If you’re going slowly, you shouldn’t expect to see instantaneous results in your fitness level or weight loss. So, spread out your goals. Make it an annual target, rather than a monthly one. Over the year, do you want to feel healthier and fit your clothes in a way that feels right and pleasing to you? Then a walk every day, for however long, is definitely going to be an improvement on last year. I really believe in stretching our expectations out.

What are resolutions – really? To me, they’re about mindset. I need to try to be kind to myself and I suggest you do too: rather than beating ourselves up and calling ourselves every name under the sun for watching TV, simply aim to watch TV less (or just be more intentional about what you are watching). Or, swap out one activity for another – when I take a bath, for example, I usually take my phone into the bathroom with me and end up scrolling pointlessly for half an hour. I’m going to try to swap out my phone for a book at bathtime. Similarly, if you always watch TV while making dinner – and you want to cut down on TV time overall – why not replace it with listening to music at that specific time, instead?

Then, when it comes to social activities and dating, well here’s where you need to adopt the same approach of being slow and gentle with yourself. If you try to sign up for some activities you enjoy – whether it’s going to watch more sport, trying out something like squash or a chess club, going to local music nights or joining a book club, or booking in a trial session at the local gym – those things in turn will have a knock-on effect of allowing you to meet more people. You can do whatever you’re interested in: I recently booked a one-off creative writing taster session for a relative because I think they’ll enjoy it, and they’ll get to meet new people in a supportive and positive environment. I also like going to poetry gigs and workshops to meet people – and I’m even considering trying out a CrossFit class.

You could also try joining a dating app (Hinge is a decent one to start with), but these are phone-based and make a lot of us feel less than happy, so only do that if you really want to try them (and ringfence the time you spend on them – no more than 20 minutes a day, for example). Otherwise, doing an activity you enjoy for you will only enhance your chances of meeting people you have something in common with – that can be a lot more satisfying than the apps.

It’s great to have new year’s resolutions – but most people fall into the classic mistake of making them massive and unrealistic and almost like punishment. I believe we should all start seeing them as an opportunity.

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