At last… Kemi Badenoch has embraced her inner Nigerian!

Kemi Badenoch delivered a blistering speech this week in which she took aim at her former frontbenchers who have defected to Reform UK – and, my goodness, it was absolutely marvellous.

“To those who are defecting, who don’t actually disagree with our policies, I will say: I’m sorry you didn’t win the leadership contest. I’m sorry you didn’t get a job in the shadow cabinet. I’m sorry you didn’t get into the Lords. But you are not offering a plan to fix this country. This is a tantrum dressed up as politics.”

Declaring from a conference podium that those jumping ship are only doing so out of spite and for personal gain is, as the kids would say, a sick burn. I would add that by doing so, the Tory leader has never looked and sounded more Nigerian – and I think I love her for that.

Badenoch, who was born in Wimbledon and raised in Lagos, said last year that she no longer identifies as Nigerian and has not renewed her passport in decades. I am sorry to inform her that you can take the girl out of Nigeria, but you can’t take Nigeria out of the girl.

When she talked about how, “when my kids have a tantrum, I don’t give up or change my mind – I send them to their room”, that was straight out of the Nigerian parenting book. When she said she “only wants Conservatives” in her party, and suggested those who don’t agree with her should “get out of the way”, she was really saying: “As long as you’re under my roof, you abide by my rules.”

That’s Black Parenting 101 right there. And she went even further and actually invited those who object to “go and join the Liberal Democrats”.

Kemi read her former shadow justice secretary Robert Jenrick for filth and I laughed out loud. Actually, I felt sorry for that poor, sheltered fool. He clearly had no idea who he had been playing with.

Kemi is from the Yoruba tribe. Historically, they have been recognised for their fierce and protective nature, combining strength with outspokenness. I will now share with you some valuable information that may one day save your life: Yoruba women are the ones you need to back you up in any dispute in which you may find yourself. If you haven’t got one in your friendship circle, go out and recruit one immediately.

‘By channelling her inner Nigerian, Kemi has signalled she wants to win’ (PA)

These women are better than any private detective. If there is information to be found, they’ll find it. In planning his defection, Jenrick was behaving like a cheating husband about to publicly parade a new, much younger mistress in front of his wife of 20 years. But Kemi caught him at it – the speech announcing his departure was found on an office printer – and said: “Not today, Satan!”

Yoruba men are commonly known as “Yoruba demons” – as I know to my own cost, having dated a couple. These are the only men that you could find cheating on you in your own bed, and you’ll apologise to them for interrupting. And who brings Yoruba men into this world? Yoruba women.

By channelling her inner Nigerian, Kemi has signalled she wants to win. She will not put her arms up and surrender. There will be no white flag above Tory party HQ. She will go down with this ship. If someone told me that every single Conservative member had left and she was now leading a party of one, I’d believe it.

Let’s not get carried away – I still don’t like Kemi’s politics. However, I can’t pretend I’m not starting to warm to her. She needs to be a guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK, for she is Mother.