The Hottie & the Nottie (12A)

Toxic stuff. If the name Paris Hilton doesn't set your inner alarm bell ringing, then you might innocently settle down to this morality tale about "inner beauty" – and then you'll be sorry.

The 11th Hour, (PG)

If I were rating films on good intentions alone, this eco agitprop would earn five stars: but pretty pictures of nature in all its majesty, punctuated by decontextualised talking heads and earnest monologues from Leonardo DiCaprio, are not going to change anybody's mind about climate change.

The Baker (12A)

I wonder if Damian Lewis would have agreed to star in this knockabout "killer" comedy had it not been written and directed by his younger brother Gareth.

Margot at the Wedding (15)

Callous whispers

Semi-Pro (15)

They're still trying to bottle the spirit of Dodgeball, but the problem with this latest underdog sports comedy is that it, a) tries too hard (Will Ferrell's gurning) and, b) doesn't try hard enough (Scot Armstrong's feeble screenplay).

Pandora: Rupert's new trailer

Move over to the slow lane, Margaret Beckett: British caravanning has a new pin-up. Rupert Penry-Jones, heart-throb of the flighty spy drama Spooks, has just come out of the (uselessly small, MDF) closet as a paid-up member of the Caravan Club.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (18)

You keep on expecting some big twist from this low-budget stalk-and-slash horror, but director Jonathan Levine and writer Jacob Forman flatter to deceive with their teens-in-peril scenario.

Juno, (12A)

The young Canadian actress Ellen Page, proving her turn in the stalker satire Hard Candy (2006) was no fluke, plays high-school teen Juno, whose sassy backchat and self-confidence take a major knock when she discovers that she's pregnant.

Things We Lost in the Fire, (15)

This is the other way Hollywood goes with bereavement, a three-hanky sobfest that makes a song and dance about personal growth and "letting go". Halle Berry, at her most tremulous, faces losing her hubby (David Duchovny) by turning to his best friend from childhood (Benicio Del Toro), a recovering addict.

Over Her Dead Body, (12A)

It is quite mystifying why Eva Longoria Parker, of Desperate Housewives, should have chosen the role she has in this godawful romantic comedy. She plays a Bridezilla who, on the day of her wedding, has no sooner finished ticking off the catering staff than she's hit by a flying ice sculpture – and dies! Don't start cheering just yet, because she returns to earth as a ghost and – guess what? – she's still a snitty control freak. She can't bear the idea of her fiancé (Paul Rudd) finding another love, so when he starts dating a spirit-medium (Lake Bell) she steps in to hijack any possibility of romance.

Penelope, (U)

This is what a friend of mine would call a "gobber" – so bad, it makes you want to spit. Christina Ricci plays the high-born heroine of the title, afflicted by a witch's curse that has turned her nose into a pig's snout. Only the love of a fellow "blueblood" – such as James McAvoy's hapless gambler – can break the curse. The film is set in London, so why does almost the entire cast talk in American accents? Well, I suppose it chimes with the American ambivalence over body perception (you can be ugly, but only for so long) and the American reverence for money and the aristocracy. Just horrible.

The legacy of John La Rose: Respect for the dubfather

The pioneering publisher and activist John La Rose died last year, but his legacy to black British writing lives on. Kevin LeGendre celebrates a life devoted to political struggle and the arts

Turkishness law 'must change' says minister

Foreign Minister Abdullah Gul yesterday backed the amendment of Turkey's controversial article 301, used to prosecute intellectuals including Nobel Prize-winning novelist Orhan Pamuk and an ethnic Armenian journalist who was later shot dead.

RPO/Slatkin/Kempf, Cadogan Hall, London <!-- none onestar twostar threestar fourstar fivestar -->

In recent years, the Tchaikovsky International Piano Competition in Moscow has become famous for its very public disputes between audiences and judges. Not winning has often made for bigger headlines and greater notoriety. British-born Freddy Kempf took third prize in the 1998 competition but public adulation awarded him the gold medal and the press, wholeheartedly lending ballast to the protest, dubbed him "The Hero of the Competition".

Blair quitting now would be seen as an admission of guilt, Jowell says

One of Tony Blair's staunchest cabinet supporters says that if the Prime Minister were to quit now it would be seen as a "presumption of guilt" over the Scotland Yard inquiry into "cash for honours".

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Independent Travel
Pompeii, Capri & the Bay of Naples
Dubrovnik, the Dalmatian Coast & Montenegro
Burgundy, the River Rhone & Provence
Lisbon, Oporto and the Douro Valley
Lake Garda, Venice & Verona
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Prices correct as of 30 January 2015
Isis hostage crisis: The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power

Isis hostage crisis

The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power, says Robert Fisk
Missing salvage expert who found $50m of sunken treasure before disappearing, tracked down at last

The runaway buccaneers and the ship full of gold

Salvage expert Tommy Thompson found sunken treasure worth millions. Then he vanished... until now
Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Maverick artist Grayson Perry backs our campaign
Assisted Dying Bill: I want to be able to decide about my own death - I want to have control of my life

Assisted Dying Bill: 'I want control of my life'

This week the Assisted Dying Bill is debated in the Lords. Virginia Ironside, who has already made plans for her own self-deliverance, argues that it's time we allowed people a humane, compassionate death
Move over, kale - cabbage is the new rising star

Cabbage is king again

Sophie Morris banishes thoughts of soggy school dinners and turns over a new leaf
11 best winter skin treats

Give your moisturiser a helping hand: 11 best winter skin treats

Get an extra boost of nourishment from one of these hard-working products
Paul Scholes column: The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him

Paul Scholes column

The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him
Frank Warren column: No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans

Frank Warren's Ringside

No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans
Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

Homeless Veterans appeal

MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

Comedians share stories of depression

The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

Has The Archers lost the plot?

A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

14 office buildings added to protected lists

Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee