The Hottie & the Nottie (12A)

Toxic stuff. If the name Paris Hilton doesn't set your inner alarm bell ringing, then you might innocently settle down to this morality tale about "inner beauty" – and then you'll be sorry.

The 11th Hour, (PG)

If I were rating films on good intentions alone, this eco agitprop would earn five stars: but pretty pictures of nature in all its majesty, punctuated by decontextualised talking heads and earnest monologues from Leonardo DiCaprio, are not going to change anybody's mind about climate change.

The Baker (12A)

I wonder if Damian Lewis would have agreed to star in this knockabout "killer" comedy had it not been written and directed by his younger brother Gareth.

Margot at the Wedding (15)

Callous whispers

Semi-Pro (15)

They're still trying to bottle the spirit of Dodgeball, but the problem with this latest underdog sports comedy is that it, a) tries too hard (Will Ferrell's gurning) and, b) doesn't try hard enough (Scot Armstrong's feeble screenplay).

Pandora: Rupert's new trailer

Move over to the slow lane, Margaret Beckett: British caravanning has a new pin-up. Rupert Penry-Jones, heart-throb of the flighty spy drama Spooks, has just come out of the (uselessly small, MDF) closet as a paid-up member of the Caravan Club.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (18)

You keep on expecting some big twist from this low-budget stalk-and-slash horror, but director Jonathan Levine and writer Jacob Forman flatter to deceive with their teens-in-peril scenario.

Juno, (12A)

The young Canadian actress Ellen Page, proving her turn in the stalker satire Hard Candy (2006) was no fluke, plays high-school teen Juno, whose sassy backchat and self-confidence take a major knock when she discovers that she's pregnant.

Things We Lost in the Fire, (15)

This is the other way Hollywood goes with bereavement, a three-hanky sobfest that makes a song and dance about personal growth and "letting go". Halle Berry, at her most tremulous, faces losing her hubby (David Duchovny) by turning to his best friend from childhood (Benicio Del Toro), a recovering addict.

Over Her Dead Body, (12A)

It is quite mystifying why Eva Longoria Parker, of Desperate Housewives, should have chosen the role she has in this godawful romantic comedy. She plays a Bridezilla who, on the day of her wedding, has no sooner finished ticking off the catering staff than she's hit by a flying ice sculpture – and dies! Don't start cheering just yet, because she returns to earth as a ghost and – guess what? – she's still a snitty control freak. She can't bear the idea of her fiancé (Paul Rudd) finding another love, so when he starts dating a spirit-medium (Lake Bell) she steps in to hijack any possibility of romance.

Penelope, (U)

This is what a friend of mine would call a "gobber" – so bad, it makes you want to spit. Christina Ricci plays the high-born heroine of the title, afflicted by a witch's curse that has turned her nose into a pig's snout. Only the love of a fellow "blueblood" – such as James McAvoy's hapless gambler – can break the curse. The film is set in London, so why does almost the entire cast talk in American accents? Well, I suppose it chimes with the American ambivalence over body perception (you can be ugly, but only for so long) and the American reverence for money and the aristocracy. Just horrible.

The legacy of John La Rose: Respect for the dubfather

The pioneering publisher and activist John La Rose died last year, but his legacy to black British writing lives on. Kevin LeGendre celebrates a life devoted to political struggle and the arts

Turkishness law 'must change' says minister

Foreign Minister Abdullah Gul yesterday backed the amendment of Turkey's controversial article 301, used to prosecute intellectuals including Nobel Prize-winning novelist Orhan Pamuk and an ethnic Armenian journalist who was later shot dead.

RPO/Slatkin/Kempf, Cadogan Hall, London <!-- none onestar twostar threestar fourstar fivestar -->

In recent years, the Tchaikovsky International Piano Competition in Moscow has become famous for its very public disputes between audiences and judges. Not winning has often made for bigger headlines and greater notoriety. British-born Freddy Kempf took third prize in the 1998 competition but public adulation awarded him the gold medal and the press, wholeheartedly lending ballast to the protest, dubbed him "The Hero of the Competition".

Blair quitting now would be seen as an admission of guilt, Jowell says

One of Tony Blair's staunchest cabinet supporters says that if the Prime Minister were to quit now it would be seen as a "presumption of guilt" over the Scotland Yard inquiry into "cash for honours".

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Independent Travel
Pompeii, Capri & the Bay of Naples
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No postcode? No vote

Floating voters

How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

By Reason of Insanity

Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

Power dressing is back

But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

Caves were re-opened to the public
'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

Vince Cable interview

'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

Promises, promises

But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

The death of a Gaza fisherman

He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat
Saudi Arabia's airstrikes in Yemen are fuelling the Gulf's fire

Saudi airstrikes are fuelling the Gulf's fire

Arab intervention in Yemen risks entrenching Sunni-Shia divide and handing a victory to Isis, says Patrick Cockburn
Zayn Malik's departure from One Direction shows the perils of fame in the age of social media

The only direction Zayn could go

We wince at the anguish of One Direction's fans, but Malik's departure shows the perils of fame in the age of social media
Young Magician of the Year 2015: Meet the schoolgirl from Newcastle who has her heart set on being the competition's first female winner

Spells like teen spirit

A 16-year-old from Newcastle has set her heart on being the first female to win Young Magician of the Year. Jonathan Owen meets her
Jonathan Anderson: If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

British designer Jonathan Anderson is putting his stamp on venerable house Loewe
Number plates scheme could provide a licence to offend in the land of the free

Licence to offend in the land of the free

Cash-strapped states have hit on a way of making money out of drivers that may be in collision with the First Amendment, says Rupert Cornwell
From farm to fork: Meet the Cornish fishermen, vegetable-growers and butchers causing a stir in London's top restaurants

From farm to fork in Cornwall

One man is bringing together Cornwall's most accomplished growers, fishermen and butchers with London's best chefs to put the finest, freshest produce on the plates of some of the country’s best restaurants
Robert Parker interview: The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes

Robert Parker interview

The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes
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Don't believe the stereotype - or should you?

We exaggerate regional traits and turn them into jokes - and those on the receiving end are in on it too, says DJ Taylor